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SONG: How the Urination Process has affected some of the Greatest Moments in History

The dramatic scene of the murder of Ceasar.
In fact, the truth is more shocking than is usually told. Brutus was intending to stab Caesar and his wife and supporters were all in agreement. But at the last minute, he decided to toilet roll him to death. This form of killing, usually reserved only for the most horrendous of executions, was too shocking and brutal for Brutus's conspirators, who tried heroically to stop him from carrying out this vicious assault.

His wife, close to fainting, can be seen tugging weakly at his clothes and trying to tempt him with her breasts. A friend is too horrified to watch and covers his face, while using the occasion as an excuse to grope Brutus's wife. His close friend, Pompey, tries to hold him back, while looking in terror at the toilet roll and trying to encourage Brutus to use the dagger by pointing at it (just in case he'd forgotten what it was) and yelling desparately "Usete gladiole, O brute!" [Use the dagger, O Brutus"]. Even Caesar himself is so utterly horrified by the thought of a good toilet-rolling, that he even offers Brutus his own dagger to do the foul murder.

The famous British squares formed at Waterloo were not designed to fend off cavalry, as is commonly thought. No, they were a defensive formation, created to act as the walls of a toilet for any officer, who needed to go during battle. In that case, a cry would go up and the most senior soldier, usually Wellington himself, would gallop to the square in question, bringing the regimental toilet roll for the excreting officer. This ceremony was known as "Saluting the Toilet Roll". Just look at the smiles of joy on those soldiers' faces. The young drummer boy on the right has collapsed, overcome by the sheer emotion of seeing the morale-boosting toilet paper - remember only the wealthy could afford toilet roll in those days and most ranks would never normally get to see a double-ply, soft, long and strong roll of toilet paper, let alone feel a sheet of its smooth silky softness on their rough arses. So this was a treat indeed.

Achilles dragging the body of the Trojan hero, Hector, around the walls of the City of Troy. In fact, it was not this that upset the people of Troy (seen here desparately chasing Achilles), but the fact that he had stolen the one remaining, large family-size toilet roll in the whole of Troy. Remember the city had been under siege for ten years.

Columbus and the New World.
Before The King and Queen of Spain offered to finance a voyage that led Columbus to discover the Americas, he had applied to the King of England , Henry VII, well-known for being very tight with the Government purse. Henry agreed to fit out an expedition on the cheap. Here Columbus can be seen crushing the hand of the contractor, on being shown the "honest-gov-it's-water-proof" toilet roll that he had been provided with. His crew are despairing and the womenfolk are considerably distraught and anxious. Many English people came down to gloat at the quayside at Bristol and to see if he would be sucker enough to sail off in it.

They were considerably disappointed when Columbus pointed out that this so-called English ship "may be verily softe and stronge, but it be also myghtily absourbant, and I will not put to sayle in her." They departed somewhat irritated at the clever foreigner. Later, Columbus added that he did not care that it was tuggable or huggable and that it came with a free puppy, he felt it could not handle the violent buffeting of the Atlantic, although he would agree to captain a pleasure cruise in the Solent in it.

Lenin holds out the Toilet Roll of Freedom, after liberating the whole supply of toilet paper for the city of St. Petersburg, which had been cruelly and secretly hoarded by the rich in large warehouses and promising One Man, One Toilet Roll. Here, it can be seen how the masses were not impressed at this idea.

After much arguing, Lenin reluctantly agreed to a form of disciplined organization known as democratic centralism, wherein tactical and ideological decisions are made with internal democracy, and grudgingly supported a dictatorship of the proletariat, to be governed by a decentralized system of proletarian direct democracy, in which workers hold political power through local councils known as soviets, as well as the equality of all citizens and the abolition of serfdom and feudalism.

However, much to his satisfaction, he did manage to secure a clause guaranteeing soft, double-ply toilet tissue for every Soviet citizen despite socio-economic status and the abolition of that hard, tracing-paper toilet sheets that English schools seemed to insist on until very recently.