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The Phlying Phallus of
Little Fingring Bottom
or
Sir Repente Konydome's
Phlying Phallus.

In the mid 17th century, the small Essex village of Little Fingring Bottom was terrorised by a gigantic flying penis over a period of about twenty years.

This winged phallus seemed to appear from nowhere and installed itself in a neighbouring wood, from where it would fly out to molest local villagers by swooping down and dive-bombing them. Many of the inhabitants became severely bruised from the nob-butting they received and, in all too frequent cases, a frightening number were often seriously injured. Many of the villagers were too intimidated to venture out to work their fields and so, after many years of penile oppression, the Lord of the Manor, Sir Repente Konydome, decided to round up a hunting party to try to castrate this offensive, aerial genital part.

Observing that this monstrous organ had been circumcised, and was therefore Jewish, Sir Repente waited for Passover, and, while the creature was resting (in accordance with Jewish religious law) he and his retainers pounced upon the limp, slumbering genital demon and wrapped it up tightly in large pieces of canvas. Although its shrieks, throbbings and strugglings were enough to move many of the party to tears, they successfully bound it tightly and flung it in the river. As they wiped off the mucus that the creature had spat out at them in its final struggles, the question that was on all their minds was "whither goest thou?" and many wondered if the neighbouring downstream village of Great Fingring Bottom would suffer the same fate as they had.



ABOVE:
A picture of the flying penis creature from a pamphlet by Weep-Not Indecently, published in 1664, entitled "The Phlying Phallus of Little Fingring Bottom or Sir Repente Konydome's Phlying Phallus". This was the first of three eye witness accounts of how this terrifying privy member molested an entire Essex village for many years.


Incidentally it was this incident that gave Sir Repente the idea for the contraceptive device, which still carries his name to this day. However, Sir Konydome intended for the 'condom' to be used in cases of attack by flying penises and not for the use on one's own nob.