How the Urination Process has affected some of the Greatest Moments in History
45.2% of people piss in the shower.
64.9% of people piss in the sea.
28.1% of people piss in the pool.
Every summer the level of the Solent rises by 38 centimetres because of the amount of extra holidaymakers who piss in it.
[Trench, J., Yelland, B., van Rensburg, R.W., Larj-Moat,P. (2008)
Tidal, Meteorological and Marine Biophysical Dynamics of the Solent Region, and its Role in Deep-sea Ecosystem Air-sea Interface Modelling,(National Oceanography Centre, Southampton, Maritime Audit Report, 36)].
The urine from a female donkey on heat has more corrosive power than 1.2 molar sulphuric acid.
[Royal Journal of Animal Biology, Volume 51, Number 3, 2001. Prof. Sir Heathcote-Drummond, A., Pissy Donkey , Bloody Hurty, Don'ty Touchy.
General Rommel frequently bemoaned the fact that the ordinary German soldier took so much time off going for a piss. "Der Deutsher Urin-Sacken geht diesen Krieg abpissen!" was his favourite grumble.
In a recently declassified report, Rommel stated that it was the lost man hours through urination that cost him the war in North Africa and this has been confirmed by a German High Command report that showed that, while an SS trooper spent an average of 3.4 minutes a day pissing, the ordinary Wehrmacht soldier took a colossal, bladder-busting 22.7 minutes a day away from the battle to have a piss. [This contrasts with the 11.2 minutes of a British soldier; the 11.5 minutes of an American G.I.; the 7.9 minutes of an American marine; the 10.8 minutes of a Japanese soldier] The report showed that, at any one time during a battle, at least 124 German soldiers could be away from their posts having a piss.
Murder on the
A classic whodunnit in a compact 2 minute 37 second song. Agatha Christie may not have been that proud to have written this one, but she sure would have admitted that she was on the edge of her seat all the way to the last chorus.
Oh, Mighty Ocean ...
In the face of storms, all ships are desparately heading for the nearest port, safe harbour or sheltered headland. All, that is, except one decrepit old paddle steamer.
"But why is the P.S. Whippingham heading out into the open sea?" I hear you shout. We soon find out the answer. For those of you of a less nervous disposition, why not try this stripped down, brass-only version.
P.S. And yes, I know YOU KNOW this isn't technically a picture of the P.S. Whippingham but you don't need to write in to point out that the P.S. Whippingham was only used in inshore waters and was purely a coastal vessel and would therefore never head out into open ocean and also had four air intakes on the top deck, but this vessel has five and therefore this picture shows the P.S. Whippingham just after it had been launched, when it was in fact called the P.S. Southsea, which it was for two weeks until they renamed it the P.S. Whippingham and that the crew certainly wouldn't have to bail out with pots, pans or teacups because it was fitted with two Boucher and Mullins 50 h.p. centrifugal pumps, which were more than sufficient for pumping it out even in the worst conditions.
And you really don't need to point out that you would only ever find a "Vetter of Semen" (SemenQualitätsprüfungOffizier) in ships of the German Merchant Navy and never in a British ship, and that you should know because you WERE one once.
Getta Job Now [2.43 Mb]
A moving but musically sparse lament about being hassled by parents and girlfriends to get a job.
Getta Job Now [1.52 Mb]
An ode to lying about the huge efforts you've been making to find a job to keep everyone off your back.
Only this version has guitar and dessert spoon percussion.
The Great Intimidating
Slightly Pervy Wheelie Bin
Mugging Horror Incident
of Freshwater Bay.
The Tick Tock Song
Wheelie bins looking tough last Saturday at Totland Esplanade, as they look for aggro.
What happens when a large gang of wheelie bins, fired up on sex and violence, set out to terrify an area of West Wight?
In scenes similar to A Clockwork Orange, dressed in a red 'uniform' and lounging around with their lids drawn back in a tight snarl, these waste disposal units group together in narrow streets and alleyways to jostle you, the innocent pedestrian, and then to stop you from getting past. They jeer at you with tough scowls, before making a sexually suggestive remark, and then return to physically abusing you, when you politely decline.
I mean, what sort of a shopping trolley do they think I am?
Suffice to say, Revenge of the Lawn have predictably written a song about the whole issue with unpredictably minimal arrangement and instruments.
|Noddy Stories||[3.40 Mb]|
A song that highlights the attractions of the series of Noddy stories.
However, the main over-riding theme in this song is the singer's [Rattlehead] determined attempt to remain 'authentic' to his existential self by continuing to read writings about Noddy. He desperately and successfully avoids 'bad faith' by remaining true to himself and by not making excuses for his inability to enjoy Jean-Paul Sartre's writings.
The singer starts by showing us he's had a moment of weakness, but, through song, he attains a recognition that he is a being who is responsible for who he is and how he is. He decides that he will not allow his Being to be dictated by the world or by how the world thinks he should be. In achieving this self-responsibility (by admitting his deep-seated preference for writings about Noddy), the singer narrowly escapes Bad Faith, but thereby acquires the anxiety and torment conferred by accepting freedom of choice.
By choosing Noddy over Sartre, he has thrown off the chains of moral self-deception, in a self-determining gesture, of which Sartre himself would have been proud.
Girl meets Boy. Girl and Boy fall in love. Girl and Boy go out together. Then Boy meets Boy. Boy leaves Girl and goes out with Boy. Girl tracks down Revenge of the Lawn and employs them to write a song about Boy, attacking his betrayal of Girl. Revenge of the Lawn (always sticklers for fairness) go and meet Boy to get his side of the story. Revenge of the Lawn get confused about which Boy is the vilain. Boy leaves Boy for Revenge of the Lawn. Why?
...well, perhaps it has something to do with their Polytunnel of Love.
|Shoobaloo Concerto No. 2 in G# minor.|
A Brass Extravaganza par Excellence.
The original complete song of Shoobaloo with entire brass section at its drunken best in full blaring order (11 brass parts. Yes, 11!)
You see, classical music isn't beyond Revenge of the Lawn by any means. Only, they take their cue from some of the more raucous Bierkeller classical music that Beethoven, Hummel, Spohr and other Germans revelled in, when not having to write high-brow stuff to earn a crust. The drunken style of most bierkeller brass playing is ideal for Revenge of the Lawn, cos ... well, I think you know the rest.
This song also features a sackbut, an old Medieval English reed instrument. There are very few musicians who are able to master this strange rasping instrument, but Revenge of the Lawn are lucky enough to have one in Anti-Sabitarian. Listen out for his beguiling and enchanting solo later in the song, as it's the only known example in a song by an Island band.
|Shoobaloo Concerto No. 2 in G# minor.|
A cover of one our own songs, Shoobaloo Concerto No. 2 in G# minor ...
... just to prove that Revenge of the Lawn are not the bumbling, inept, musical fraudsters you thought they were, but are in fact very fine musicians. Oh, yes, as this song shows, most of the band are fine masters of both their instruments and composition, arrangement and harmony.
And if you think that's unbeatable, then you're in for a treat - wait till you hear the proper original version [see above] with the brass section in full blaring order.
Bill O'Neill's Sandwich
Very rarely do Revenge of the Lawn write songs in memory of a great event or object, but here you have one.
For the full story on this sad saga, read Bill O'Neill's letters and responses from other concerned parties (Feb. - May 2008) on Bitching Page at House of Cheese.
[and they sometimes looked
at women too.]
A song about Seaside Skangsters. You might be lucky enough to see them in the summer on Ryde, Portsmouth or some other beach, dressed always all in white, in bare feet, with their Doc Martin boots hung around their necks, kicking sand in people's eyes. They're thoughtful, like that.
A character called Handbag Nigel happens to be one [see letters on Bitching page at House of Cheese].
|I fucking h*!# the |
There's only one other band that's more rabidly anti-West Wight than this band and that's The Bees from Ventnor!
[Disclaimer: Please note that this version is the common, standard Newport version, NOT the very rare and much sought-after Portsmouth version.]
I've Fallen in Love with
a Vending Machine
It's 1978: a punk disco. 'Automatic Lover' by The Vibrators comes on. A big favourite. One matey starts dancing with a fire extinguisher held in his arms, straight down and his hands clasped together. Not to be outdone, other matey starts shagging the drinks vending machine, thrusting his groin vigorously into the drinks dispenser bit. He thinks he's gone one better, until first matey drops the fire extinguisher and it goes off, squirting everyone. Oh, happy days.
Four Minute Smile
There we were, minding our flock, like we usually do on a Friday, mumbling erudite nonsense inaudibly at each other, and bemoaning our obstructive gorgeous good-looks, when an angel of the Lord appeared and babbled something incoherent about people's places in a queue [for exact wording, see What's New 02.01.2008]. I think the angel was a bit drunk, but what she left behind by mistake helped us to create this song.
This is a first take mix in a manner exactly as the Lord intendeth. Suffice to say, we will probably try to redo it.
Do you ever have one of those days when you do a song and then you can't remember what it's about? I could spin you some long line of bullshit rubbish about this song, but that's just not the style of this website.
Off the End of Ryde Pier
A song about that old Isle of Wight pastime of playing chicken with the bygone Ryde-Portsmouth passenger ferries by jumping off the end of Ryde Pier into their path.
Many's the scar that a true Oil O' Woighter can show you from their battles with the old M.V. Southsea! Me? No, mate - I'm a lily-livered Overnor - I got more sense - I've been chewing my foot for years.
|Doll on a Music Box/|
A song from the film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, complete with rickety brass, over-driven guitar, delicate chimes, hopping melodica and the delicate vocal meanderings of Manouche.
Written by Robert B. Sherman and Richard M. Sherman. In the film, the song is performed by Sally Ann Howes and Dick Van Dyke [left].
What can you do when you are charged with delivering a plant and you cannot find the deliveree?
Mrs. Jones orders a plant. A man comes to deliver it. Mrs. Jones cannot be found. He searches and searches for her. She is absent.
And here's the dilemma:
What do you do about the plant that is quickly outgrowing every container you have?
Do you just dump it somewhere when no one is looking?
NO! Because you are a conscientious, self-disciplined courier, who will do your duty to the last.
So how do you avoid being swamped by a fast-growing forest on your delivery round?
Well, the song has the solution.
This song also inspired retrospectively the film Hellzapoppin', in which a ferocious Lindy Hop is featured and which can be found somewhere else on this site.
A song about the introduction of the National Grid system of electricty distribution in 1927.
No, I don't think you realise how momentous that was. More bands should be writing about it.
You'll be pleased to hear there's no brass in this one, but there is alot of atmospheric singing.
|Tidal Wave Dave|
[or Tsunami Tsung-Chi]
Tidal wave Dave:
the name allocated by NPower to this particular pylon - the largest on the Island.
An instrumental featuring some rarely-heard, excellent scat mumblings from painfully shy guest singer, Johnny, of legendary Island band, . Also includes the lead guitar twanging of local pimply youth, Frank Starving, son of a builder who used to do jobs for the aunt of a boy who went to school with Hank Marvin's son.
And the final reason to listen to this song is the tortured clarinet duet from two of the Island's most proficient clarinettists: John Swaffield of the Unity Stompers and our very own babe, Anti-Sabittarian. In a deadly dual that lasts all of 32 seconds, and brandishing the most lethal clarinets ever seen on the Island, these two battling, reed-splitting cuties play their hearts out till their lips are bleeding and in agony ... and all for the benefit of you, the listener. Oh, but don't expect to understand the rythms, notations or melodies played in this 'Clashinet Climax' - we (the rest of Rev. o' Lawn) certainly don't yet - it's too modern for the modern ear.
|Pas avec un Matelot|
aber manchmal mit dein Krach ab
A song full of brass ... well, a small bit at the start and then tons of the stuff at the end. Listen out for Rattle-Head's masterful saxophone over-melody that soars quite movingly and majestically over the main rythm brass mayhem like a graceful, gliding chicken.
Another highlight is Anthony Minghella and his chum doing the Whoo-Hoos in the intro and choruses. There's a treat for all trumpet fans in the form of a fine solo from Island jazz scene personality Andy Norman, trumpet player with The Unity Stompers (we got him blind drunk first, and dragged him by his feet, semi-comatose, all the way to our studio, cos he refused to play with us when he was sober - however, as paralytically drunken trumpet solos go, I think it's a particularly fine and valid one, that just about stands up on its own two feet, which is more than can be said for Mr. Norman after that recording session). And before I go, listen out for the entire Isle of Wight Philharmonic Orchestra playing the scratchy percussion thing and the bell.
|The Weekly Post||This is an old song written 20 years ago, well before the band went through their remodelling. The song is so categorically disapproved of and deplored by the band that they have not put a link through to it [but you can get to hear it on|
The House of Cheese site, where Mr Cheesy-Bits has kindly put it up anyway - Ed.]