| In a surprising, acid outburst of academic rage, the IWIHG (Isle of Wight Industrial History Group) have launched a seething attack as well as a hatred campaign on their one-time co-partners in research, ARS (Alum Research Society).
The cause of the dispute centres on ARS's contention that huge supplies of urine were used in the alum industry . The IWIHG insist that this is a total publicity-seeking fallacy, aimed at pushing ARS in everyone's face. But ARS are not comfortable.
"They are trying to take the urine out of our argument," claimed an ARS member. "Urine is central to our ideas and we will stand by it, or even in it, rather than stain our reputation by backing down!"
The IWIHG have the full force of DIARRHOEA (Dorset Industrial ARchaeology and Revisionist History Of Economics Association) behind them, although both groups are slipping around in their own loose, sloppy arguments.
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However, ARS have acquired the full, tight support of Professor P'iss of U.R.I.N.E. [University of Regional Industry North East], who has tried to squeeze every last drop of his academic credibility in establishing ARS's claim. Right:
Professor P'iss being bludgeoned with his own thesis by leading DIARRHOEA academic, Dr. H_____-SH__ M.Sc in a riot that broke out at the International Excretion and Bodily Fluid Symposium in Frankfurt earlier this year. Note too, Mrs. D_____, IWIHG secretary, wearing her riot crash helmet, a familiar sight at most conferences. |  |
On Monday, this week, tempers flared at a conciliation meeting of the two sides.
"Get your fat argument out of our seat!" yelled Mrs. D_____, IWIHG secretary, fists flailing, as she was dragged back by the IWIHG executive committee. Later on, ARS members were pinched in a frightful display of spiteful jostling between members of the two sides.
ARS are not happy at the spreading influence of DIARRHOEA and it's left a bad smell in the collective noses of many of the foremost academic bodies. WHOR (Wessex Historical and Ontological Research) complained that it was most unprofessional to see two bodies, who had once been part of the same organisation, quarrelling over such a small mess. WHOR were referring, of course, to the fact that DIARRHOEA had once come out of ARS, the parent body.
Professor G_____ agreed and said WHOR were making all the right noises. But they also felt that ARS should pull its finger out and intellectually wipe the floor with DIARRHOEA and IWIHG, seeing as they had more academic clout than the latter two. Indeed TURD (the Tyneside Urine Research Department) issued a statement claiming the figures were too low and would like to see an escalation in the total urine supply figure.
"As far as figures are concerned, it's very easy to throw urine around in a cosy, warm office", warned Mr. H_____ of the IWIHG. "But the consequences of their figures would mean the complete re-writing of bladder history. It would require Medieval man to have a bladder with the capacity of the fuel-tank of a modern juggernaut. Their argument just doesn't hold water!"
Smugly pleased at this seemingly irrefutable piece of logic, the IWIHG and DIARRHOEA were celebrating on Tuesday by waving learned papers at ARS members and claiming that they "had rubbed ARS's face in it!"
However, an ARS spokesperson was quick to reply.
"They can use all the paper they want to support their arguments, it won't make any difference. We can't accept they're right. If we did, it would mean all our urine figures would go down the toilet! We don't want the IWIHG ramming DIARRHOEA down our throats. The IWIHG are charlatans, who continually rip off DIARRHOEA's admittedly erudite work and then try to pass it off to the world as their own!"
It was this last claim that has so enraged the IWIHG that the rift between the IWIHG and ARS now seems irreparable. Indeed, ARS concluded on Wednesday with the brief statement : "The IWIHG have wet their bed intellectually and must now lie in it!" SOURCE: © Reuters 2006. All Rights Reserved.
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