18 Dec.
2010

7 Nov.
2010

21 Oct.
2010

Atrocious Snow Conditions Force Abandoned Tricycle on Ryde Seafront

Here the driver lost control and skidded into a tree. Lucky that person wasn't driving an HGTricycle or there would have been carnage.

How hard are Newport's Churches?

Legendary Over-weight Rodent Spotted

Every area in Britain has its stories about legendary over-sized animals, to which you have to listen patiently, as some local dribbles on and on, one cold wintery evening down the pub. One such animal is the terrible legendary High Down Rat. That rat was supposed to rip off the tops of houses and eat the small children and babies from their beds. Myth and nonsense, we always assumed, fuelled by long winter nights down the pub. My slightly simple uncle said he'd even seen it once, at Brooke beach, late one cold April evening. He said it was bigger than the cliff - about ten double-decker buses high. We sniggered when he told us this, and we rolled in our own tears when he mentioned that, on seeing him, this giant rat grudgingly waded out to sea and disappeared into the waves, swimming as gracefully as a dolphin.

However, last night while walking out at Chale Green, I looked west at the wonderful sunset, only to see the silhouette of the legendary rat perched up on High Down in Freshwater. It seemed to be enjoying the views, but before I could get the video working it had slithered off the cliff into the sea and paddled away in the direction of Bournemouth.

New Extreme Sport developed on Island

The referee is there simply to ensure fair treatment towards the sharks and to make sure there is no poking in the eyes. Notice that the contestant throws her arms back and outwards to show there is no attempt on the shark's eyes and as a sign of contempt. Any interfering with the sharks eyes or gills results in instant disqualification. All taunts directed at sharks must fall into one of three categories only: belittling, sarcastic or patronising. The winner is the first to make a shark swim away crying. Any contestants found ganging up together to pick on very small sharks are banned.

Horrible Flashing Video of Ryde Seafront

We got some flood-lights and set them up on Ryde seafront and switched them off and on to see what would happen. This is a short video of the results. Funnily enough, it's exactly what we expected. Even more funnily enough, the residents in the top rooms started switching their lights off and on in time with us.

How to lift a dull party with only the Devil,
a four poster bed and a couple of Urine jars.

If you get invited to a party, at which the Devil has been invited, do try and make up some excuse to get him into bed because then you'll be able to play that marvellous traditional children's party game, Musical Urine Specimen Jars.

While the music plays, all players rummage under the bedclothes in an attempt to extract some urine from one of the Devil's thirteen penises (that's why he was so popular with witches). When the music stops, the one who hasn't managed to obtain a urine sample is out. When you're down to two players, the one with the best urine sample wins. The trouble with this game is that it usually ends in the house catching fire. Incidentally, did you know that drinking the Devil's urine makes your skin young and smooth?

Even 400 years ago, they were suspicious of the West Wight.

Note the back-to-front compass points in the picture [always a mark of the Devil] and the wide-eyed Skull of Deceit and the evil Crossed Bones of Inbreeding on the west side.

The east side is represented by the honest Sword of Justice and the virtuous Nettle of Sustenance.

Well, I'm off to make a nettle flail and sharpen my sword, ready for the impending thrashing of the Devil's own spawn over there in the west. We're meeting at Shide for the off on Monday. Can't wait.

Top Tip of the Year:
If you carry a knife, don't be tempted into castrating Satan, however attractive the deal.

If you do happen to chance on the Devil, while you're travelling to your local supermarket or DIY superstore, make sure you don't get lured into castrating him. Very few people come out well from it. This baker had a lucky escape, thanks to his intelligent wife, but many males aren't so lucky - they don't have the wives, you see.

However, you can take heart from the fact that the Devil is as stupid as mortal men, so you might get away with "It's in the post" or "I've misplaced your file" or "Ooo, you're looking at a good three weeks for that part to come through". Also do remember to always ask for his identification tag: there are alot of bogus Lucifers out there.

For the full story of the Baker's encounter, read The Gelding of the Devil.

People often ask, "Why aren't there any pictures of Revenge of the Lawn gigs?"
Well, we got Baptist to do a woodcut reconstruction to give you some idea of what a gig is like.

Miracle Witnessed
as Islander Strolls up Cliff Face

Our very own Ranter couldn't believe his eyes when he watched a figure stroll up a vertical cliff face from the beach over in West Wight last week. In the ensuing stunned panic, he managed to take a few hasty shots of the incident before it was all over. Unfortunately, when he reached the top of the cliff, the human miracle stepped back to admire his accomplishment, lost his footing and fell backwards down the cliff, plummeting like a rag doll to the beach.

When Ranter reached the crowd of people who were gathering round the body, he discovered that he had not witnessed a miracle at all, but rather the unfortunate antics of none other than the Island's first ever Superhero, Ill-fitting Baggy Yellow Golfing Trouserman. He was still at the training stage and had just taken to practising his spider-wall-walking skills up cliffs. A sad day for all Island citizens, as Ill-fitting Baggy Yellow Golfing Trouserman was only two weeks away from passing out as a fully-fledged superhero from the Isle of Wight College. It does mean that the public will have to continue to put up with the dreadful rising crime situation on this Island, especially when big criminals like the Deckchair and the Loiterer hear that the arrival of the Island's first superhero will have to be postponed for at least another year.

Incidentally, you'll probably not be that interested to know , but we've always wondered at this character from another of Bosch's paintings, The Temptation (or Temptations) of St. Anthony, c.1505. Who is she and what does she normally do during the week?

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The offending article is then thrown over the shoulder of the castrator and the woman who catches it is able to chose the next castratee. This goes on until either all male guests are castrated or a woman catches an organ for a second time. Of course, at the end of the ball, all castratees are given their genitals back.