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Islander Grows Ridiculously Tall Stalk

I'm sorry to say but Kev says he will keep sending in pictures of his Ridiculously Tall Stalk (oo err) every couple of weeks so we (website and its visitors) can keep up to date with its progress. Oh, goody!

18 Dec.

7 Nov.

21 Oct.

Big thank you to Kevin Dean for sending in this photo of the impressive stalk that he managed to grow in his garden this summer. Said Kev, "Imagine my surprise, when the packet of violet seeds I bought in March produced this monster of a stalk. No leaves, no flowers, no fruit - just a huge thick stalk! It's a complete mystery." If we were in Medieval times, Kev, you'd be burnt for being a witch. Any suggestions (other than sticking it up his arse - Ed.) and we will e-mail them on to Kev.

Atrocious Snow Conditions Force Abandoned Tricycle on Ryde Seafront

In the recent snow blitz of January, conditions on Ryde seafront were so treacherous that even nursery school children were forced to abandon their tricycles and walk.

Here the driver lost control and skidded into a tree. Lucky that person wasn't driving an HGTricycle or there would have been carnage.

How hard are Newport's Churches?

The signs either side of the front door can be seen below:

Gordon Brown: Exceedingly Desparate

Brown's new bed partners: his wife is quite happy in the spare room.

You may not like Sartre's stories,
BUT on the other side of Toy Town,
Noddy and his pals still enjoy a good challenge at bedtime.

I'm sorry to harp on about him but here Noddy has collected the intellectual giants of Toy Town around him to help him enjoy his favourite author. But all are stunned and dazed on encountering the first sentence:
"The wretched pointlessness of existence engenders the very worthless futility of man's vile existential nothingness and the base contradiction of Being."

"That's enough of that for one night," said Noddy, as he poured them all a lovely cuppa tea.

Molecule of the Year

          The Molecule of the Year is a great mover, as can be seen from the animation. Each molecule just does this beautiful pirouhette, over and over again. It's sensuously made and as sympathomimetic alkaloids go, it's brilliantly simple. That's why this compound is so great and gets our vote of approval. Answers in by 31st December 2009 to win the prize.

Legendary Over-weight Rodent Spotted

Every area in Britain has its stories about legendary over-sized animals, to which you have to listen patiently, as some local dribbles on and on, one cold wintery evening down the pub. One such animal is the terrible legendary High Down Rat. That rat was supposed to rip off the tops of houses and eat the small children and babies from their beds. Myth and nonsense, we always assumed, fuelled by long winter nights down the pub. My slightly simple uncle said he'd even seen it once, at Brooke beach, late one cold April evening. He said it was bigger than the cliff - about ten double-decker buses high. We sniggered when he told us this, and we rolled in our own tears when he mentioned that, on seeing him, this giant rat grudgingly waded out to sea and disappeared into the waves, swimming as gracefully as a dolphin.

However, last night while walking out at Chale Green, I looked west at the wonderful sunset, only to see the silhouette of the legendary rat perched up on High Down in Freshwater. It seemed to be enjoying the views, but before I could get the video working it had slithered off the cliff into the sea and paddled away in the direction of Bournemouth.

New Extreme Sport developed on Island

The referee is there simply to ensure fair treatment towards the sharks and to make sure there is no poking in the eyes. Notice that the contestant throws her arms back and outwards to show there is no attempt on the shark's eyes and as a sign of contempt. Any interfering with the sharks eyes or gills results in instant disqualification. All taunts directed at sharks must fall into one of three categories only: belittling, sarcastic or patronising. The winner is the first to make a shark swim away crying. Any contestants found ganging up together to pick on very small sharks are banned.

Revenge of the Lawn in Laundrette Honour

Shanklin Pier Mystery: Sandown Pier's Missing Sister

Shanklin pier was just a pier. But one day in 1987, it mysteriously disappeared.
Or am I thinking of Yaverland Pier?

Horrible Flashing Video of Ryde Seafront

We got some flood-lights and set them up on Ryde seafront and switched them off and on to see what would happen. This is a short video of the results. Funnily enough, it's exactly what we expected. Even more funnily enough, the residents in the top rooms started switching their lights off and on in time with us.

How to lift a dull party with only the Devil,
a four poster bed and a couple of Urine jars.

If you get invited to a party, at which the Devil has been invited, do try and make up some excuse to get him into bed because then you'll be able to play that marvellous traditional children's party game, Musical Urine Specimen Jars.

While the music plays, all players rummage under the bedclothes in an attempt to extract some urine from one of the Devil's thirteen penises (that's why he was so popular with witches). When the music stops, the one who hasn't managed to obtain a urine sample is out. When you're down to two players, the one with the best urine sample wins. The trouble with this game is that it usually ends in the house catching fire. Incidentally, did you know that drinking the Devil's urine makes your skin young and smooth?

Thought you might be interested in this, dear visitor.I was browsing through the dusty old book collection at the County library and came across this little pamphlet.

Even 400 years ago, they were suspicious of the West Wight.

Note the back-to-front compass points in the picture [always a mark of the Devil] and the wide-eyed Skull of Deceit and the evil Crossed Bones of Inbreeding on the west side.

The east side is represented by the honest Sword of Justice and the virtuous Nettle of Sustenance.

Well, I'm off to make a nettle flail and sharpen my sword, ready for the impending thrashing of the Devil's own spawn over there in the west. We're meeting at Shide for the off on Monday. Can't wait.

Footage of Suggs

We like Suggs - he's a very nice man.

Notice Mr. Cheesybits of House of Cheese loitering in the background with green wig.

The Gelding of the Devil

A baker allows himself to be conned into castrating the Devil and a year of anguish as a result.

Top Tip of the Year:
If you carry a knife, don't be tempted into castrating Satan, however attractive the deal.

If you do happen to chance on the Devil, while you're travelling to your local supermarket or DIY superstore, make sure you don't get lured into castrating him. Very few people come out well from it. This baker had a lucky escape, thanks to his intelligent wife, but many males aren't so lucky - they don't have the wives, you see.

However, you can take heart from the fact that the Devil is as stupid as mortal men, so you might get away with "It's in the post" or "I've misplaced your file" or "Ooo, you're looking at a good three weeks for that part to come through". Also do remember to always ask for his identification tag: there are alot of bogus Lucifers out there.

For the full story of the Baker's encounter, read The Gelding of the Devil.

Jamming in a Lawn Stylee.

People often ask, "Why aren't there any pictures of Revenge of the Lawn gigs?"
Well, we got Baptist to do a woodcut reconstruction to give you some idea of what a gig is like.

Miracle Witnessed
as Islander Strolls up Cliff Face

Our very own Ranter couldn't believe his eyes when he watched a figure stroll up a vertical cliff face from the beach over in West Wight last week. In the ensuing stunned panic, he managed to take a few hasty shots of the incident before it was all over. Unfortunately, when he reached the top of the cliff, the human miracle stepped back to admire his accomplishment, lost his footing and fell backwards down the cliff, plummeting like a rag doll to the beach.

When Ranter reached the crowd of people who were gathering round the body, he discovered that he had not witnessed a miracle at all, but rather the unfortunate antics of none other than the Island's first ever Superhero, Ill-fitting Baggy Yellow Golfing Trouserman. He was still at the training stage and had just taken to practising his spider-wall-walking skills up cliffs. A sad day for all Island citizens, as Ill-fitting Baggy Yellow Golfing Trouserman was only two weeks away from passing out as a fully-fledged superhero from the Isle of Wight College. It does mean that the public will have to continue to put up with the dreadful rising crime situation on this Island, especially when big criminals like the Deckchair and the Loiterer hear that the arrival of the Island's first superhero will have to be postponed for at least another year.

Official: Jesus has Returned as a Duck.


Yes, I was shocked at first, but when I saw this Mallard duck walking on the water of the old mill pond at Dodnor near Newport, it was plainly obvious that I was witnessing the Second Coming of the Messiah. I immediately prostrated myself on the concrete path and felt rather foolish as I heard myself saying, " Oh, Lord, welcome to the Island. I hope you have a pleasant day. Do you want fries with that?"
But, hey, you DO say the most ridiculous things when you're in shock. I watched the duck walk across the water towards twelve other ducks, one of which looked very shifty indeed. And it even walked like Jesus! What convinced me was that it was plainly pleased when I cut down a load of nearby palms, strew them on the road nearby and found it a donkey to ride on. I'm almost 100% sure I saw the Lord smile.

P.S. The Lord will be riding into Newport on Sunday 11th March. All you righteous ones are invited to line the route and become slightly rowdy. Please bring any stale bread.

Do You Know what your Flesh is up to tonight?

Back in the 1980s when it was fashionable to belong to a militant puritan group, I was no different to the thousands of others who followed the trend and jumped on the extreme protestant bandwagon. Oh, how it brings a tear of nostalgic joy to my eye just remembering those foolish young days!

The group I joined didn't believe in clothing and were violently opposed to carnal lust in any form (or so we professed in public, through barely repressed, gritted teeth). Any member who entertained any thoughts of lying (in a biblical sense) with his/her neighbour, was made to stand on a stool and the offending organ would be poked and prodded with a very long barge pole in the hope of calming it down and reducing its excitment. It was very hard, I can tell you, standing on that stool, with each person of the congregation taking it in turns to beat your 'person' into flaccid submission.

Oh, happy days, indeed! You just can't get that quality of sexual repression these days.

This week's picture comes from the brilliant brush of the unique Mr. Hieronymus Bosch, and is a detail from his triptych [a 3-part altarpiece] The Garden of Earthly Delight, c. 1504. We've mainly picked it because the central bit of the full picture shows cavorting male and female nudes. However, in the bottom right corner of the right-hand panel is an easily overlooked detail, which is shown here. It shows my great aunt, who was a nun, but upset a local wizard, who turned her into a pig. It didn't stop her from carousing with any naked men she met wandering along and trying to get them to sign away their assets to her (as can be seen in the picture, where she seems to have accosted a very young Kenny Everett).

Her pet monkey, that got stuck in the helmet of a suit of armour, was never far from her until it got accidentally cut in half by a gigantic pair of ears that carried a huge knife, which can be seen at the top of the full picture, but which we haven't shown, so you'll have to go to the Museo del Prado in Madrid to see what we're talking about.

Incidentally, you'll probably not be that interested to know , but we've always wondered at this character from another of Bosch's paintings, The Temptation (or Temptations) of St. Anthony, c.1505. Who is she and what does she normally do during the week?

[From: The Wages of Sin is Death by Obadiah Kneelmore, 1634]

We've said it many times over the years, but Newport must repent and confess its sins or there WILL be trouble. It's happened before [see above]; it can happen again.

Please prevent us from having to say "I told you so" by amending your ways and becoming a more wholesome town like Ryde.

Oh, Newport, you whore!
Why, oh, why can't you be more like your younger sister, Ryde?!

[Isiah, chapter 7, verse 15]

Related song: Lord Have Mercy by Revenge of the Lawn

It's always such a touchy issue in polite company, but at some point during a ball, the subject of castration has to be tackled. Note the calipers used by the castrator to hold the offending article. Usually a stout table is found to strap the selected guest on and then the least qualified of the guests is given the priviledge of performing the task.

The offending article is then thrown over the shoulder of the castrator and the woman who catches it is able to chose the next castratee. This goes on until either all male guests are castrated or a woman catches an organ for a second time. Of course, at the end of the ball, all castratees are given their genitals back.