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A New Face in Hell

Revenge of the Lawn apologise for the woodcut images, but unfortunately cameras of any sort are strictly forbidden in Hell. Satan mumbled something inaudible about cameras putting off the demons from their work and providing mortals with some temporary distraction or something like that. No matter. Baptist, our reporter, was chosen because he is very skilful with a hammer and chisel and can work very quickly: he chiselled away furiously on his wooden plaques and was able to produce these amazing woodcut pictures for you. Also please note that Baptist still speaks in an old 16th century biblical dialect [in red] so we have provided a small caption in modern English.

What you, the viewer, are offered here is a FIRST-EVER, EXCLUSIVE GLIMPSE into the complex workings of Hell PLC:

You start off by being furiously turned on giant wheels.

I haue seene in hell wheles right hie, set on an hyll, the which was to looke on in maner of mylles, incessantly turning about by great impituosity, roring and whirling as it were thunder. And the wheles were fyxed full of hookes and crampions of Iron and steele, and on them were hanged and turned the proud men and women for their Pryde, with their prynce, capitayne and master Lucifer.

Next, you are plunged into a shallow freezing lake and frozen winds blown over you.

Secondly I haue seene in hell a fludde frosen as yse, wherin the enuious men and women were plunged vnto the nauill, & then sodainly came ouer them a right cold and a great winde, that greued and payned them ryght sore, & when they would exite and eschew the wonderfull blastes of the wynde, they plunged into the water wyth great shoutes & cryes lamentable to heare.

At the third stage, you are taken into a huge cave, placed on a giant butchers table and then spiked with spears by various of Hell's staff, mainly the Butcher demons.

Thirdly I haue seene in hell a great caue tenebrous and obscure, full of tables lyke Bochers stalles, or a great bochery, where as Irefull men and women were thorow pearced with trenchynge knyues and sharpe glayues, & with long speares perced their bodyes, wherewith the moste horryble and fearefull bochers of hell hewed and detrenched them wyth their glayues and knyues impiteously wythoute ceasing.

You then pass on to the fourth stage: you suffer being bitten and stung by the snake staff and finally they pierce your body.

Fourthly, I haue scene in hel an horrible hall darke and tenebrous, wherin was a great multitude of serpentes bygge and small, where as slouthfull men and women were tormented with bytings and stingings of venemous wormes, the which perced them through in diuers parts of their bodies, wounding them to the hart with inextinguible payne.

Here you are boiled in huge cauldrons by the Caterer demons, especially skilled at stirring.

Fyfthly , I haue seene in the infernall partyes a great number of wyde cauderons and kettels full of boylynge leade and Oile wyth other hote metalles molten, in the whiche were plunged and dypped the Couetyse men and women, for to fulfill and replenish them of their insaciate couetise.

Once you have been simmered well, you are then force-fed toads and made to drink stagnant, fetid water.

The vi. peyne that I haue sene in a vale a flodde foule and ftynkynge at thee brymme, in the which was a table with towels right dyshonestly, where as Gluttons byn fedde with Todes and other venemous beastes, and had to drinke of the water of the same sayde fludde.

In the final stage, you are taken to field full of large wide wells filled with fire and sulphur, in which you are confined while the employees torment you once again with spears.

The vii. payne, I haue sene a feelde ful of depe welles replenyshed with fyre and sulphre, wherout issued smoke thycke & contagious wherin all lecherous persons were tourmented incessauntly with deuyls.

Of all the vii. deadly sinnes. Lecherye pleaseth moste vnto the deuyll.