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Please note I have removed the @ and any full stops from all email addresses on this page to try and fool the E-mail combines. If you want to email someone you will have to put these characters back in. Click here to see Stats!
Messages for 2008
2008
John Mcvicker - Mon 15 Dec 2008
Email : Aohnnythehorse fsmail net
Subject : Badges

  Message:  

hi can i pay buy cash cheque or p.o for smeggy and the cheesey bit badges-what address should i send it to cheers john
     


What the hell is a cheque? A postal order? You are taking the piss. Unless you have in fact managed to communicate with me through a rift in space/time from the 1950s. Oh hang on you could be the John McVicar, they're not keen on letting you have Credit/Debit cards inside are they? But you got out of prison in the 70s didn't you? And wrote a book, and presumably got paid for it? Surely you've got some plastic (you don't need a paypal account if that's what you think). Mind you if you are the John McVicar I'm definitely not going to give you my address cos you'll probably come round and kneecap me. But what would the John McVicar want with Smeggy and the Cheesybits badges? The most likely explanation is that you are in fact Rob in which case you can pay cash when you come round on Friday and frighten me with your latest song.
     


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Me - Wed 26 Nov 2008
Email : MeMeMe Me Me
Subject : The 80s Were S**t

  Message:  

Yes I did. I was grossly disappointed that that bint didn't get her kit off at the end though.
     


You are a sick pervert - but I know what you mean. All that effort and for what? Granted the emancipation of humankind was achieved but a little sweetner would not have gone amiss.
     


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Me - Wed 26 Nov 2008
Email : MeMeMe Me Me
Subject : Other

  Message:  

I've just finished Half-Life 2 so I'll be hanging around a bit more now.
     


Did you run with the Sand Lions?
     


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Petermax - Sat 08 Nov 2008
Email : petermax1981 yahoo co uk

  Message:  

Popped into this website for the first time in ages. Thanks for the increased number of downloads, particulary the 'Annika' session. Nice to see that you've linked to my 'Annika' Youtube clip.
     


Ah that's your fault is it? I am constantly amazed at the amount of people that know and love Annika, they all seem to have been 12-16 when it came out. I confess that I mainly watch it now to see the old IW ferrys and try and spot ex-wives/girlfreinds in the crowd scenes. Hasn't that Vas Blackwood done well for himself.
     


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Bill - Fri 31 Oct 2008
Email : I am paranoid.

  Message:  

Thanks for my special commemerative badge i wear it with pride - and don't worry i'm selling them at a profit (10 each)
     


Ixnay on the special commemerative adgebay. Or everybody will want one.
     


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Desperate Bill - Thu 16 Oct 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Err Dave - can i have the money for my continued white dog poo reserach and the 'find the sandwich fund'. I was thinking maybe an image of the sandwich projected on Big Ben whilst ROTL play the tune on the London eye?
     


Yes you can but I expect you to spend it all on badges
     


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Jegede & Associates. - Wed 15 Oct 2008
Email : barr_jegede01tg@yahoo.fr

  Message:  

Dear Dave Cheesybits , Please forgive my using this means to reach you but I cant think of any other way of letting you know the urgent matter at hand. I acted as personal attorney to (late)Mr.B.F.Cheesybits, who lived and worked here for more than twenty years as a major contractor and businessman. On the 1st of October 2005, he and his wife and only daughter were involved in an automobile accident while visiting a neighboring country on vacation. They were buried two weeks after and I have exhausted all means of reaching who may have been related to them. This has been made more difficult because no mention was made of any relative while he was alive. To the best of my knowledge, before his death, he had an investment deposit totalling more than TEN Million Five hundred thousand United States Dollars(US$10.500.000.00) with the major bank here and now they have asked me to provide a next of kin if there is, or the estate will then revert to the government and so it would be lost. My proposal is that you allow to be presented for this role so that documentation can be processed and payment made in your favour. This is a project which will see us partner to realise. I would be willing for us to discuss terms of participation in order to protect our various interests. I want to assure you right away that I have positioned this deal to not last for more that two weeks. I shall be willing to discuss futher on this if write back or send to me your direct telephone number so we can discuss in the type of confidential atmosphere which this matter requires. Awaiting your immediate response. Barrister Jegede (Esq). Jegede & ASSOCIATES. AVENUE DE PELOMA, P.M.B 35. LOME TOGO
     


Good old uncle B. F. I knew he'd come through for me. I'm rich now so you can all go f**k yourselves.
     


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Anna (aka Sid Circa 1980 ) - Fri 10 Oct 2008
Email : I am paranoid
Subject :

  Message:  

Aaah! Smeggy and the Cheesy Bits! After all these years I am finally catching up with you bastards - you who gave out all those very bad taste stickers at gigs in the Vault and me, being the demure young 15 year old that I was, stuck one to my school blazer and wore it to school and got suspended for a week (which I thought was pretty cool). I hung out with Rat (who I hear is now a matrtial arts wizard now) in Brighton that week and we got up to all sorts of mischief though we never did blow up the law courts like we meant to). All it said on the sticker was "Did I get my cunt out on the settee??" What was WRONG with the teachers in those days? They had no sense of humour at all - at least not at Hove County Grammer School for Girls..... In fact, what was wrong with my Dad too? He threw a complete wobbler about it when he spotted the sticker on the same school blazer in his rear view mirror on a trip to London. If my lovely daughter had the good taste to wear a sticker like t hat now I would up her pocket money. Unfortunately she's embarrassed by the way I behave at 45. Such is life.
Hey _ I loved your gigs - they were the best. I have some awesome shots of the mess in the crowd at some King Kurt gigs in London (somewhere down the Old Kent Rd - can't remember the venue for some strange reason.....) One of those shots I took is in the Museum of London archives....
Piss fuck labias xxx Anna
     


You can't have got the sticker off us, we were never that organised, also, despite our constant attempts to try and shock, we would never use a word like settee. I hope we didn't lead you too far astray. It would be an awful responsibility to know that I'd denied the world a cure for cancer or something.

14.12.08 - Actually now i come to think of it SATCB might have continued for a bit after I left. I think there was time before Smeggy went off to join King Kurt so you may have got the sticker of "us". All I can say is that if they were using words like settee then, then they obviously missed my steadying influence.
     


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Obq - Tue 07 Oct 2008
Email : I am paranoid.

  Message:  

I've just had a pint of bitter followed by a vegtable dhansak and a garlic naan. I expect to be a trifle flatulent at work tommorrow.
     


Thank you for that. I will warn your wokmates and call the emergency services.
     


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Ewan Baker - Sun 05 Oct 2008
Email : U_an yahoo co uk

  Message:  

I WANT a bum banditeer badge.
     


I'll look into it but I have a feeling it'll never be a big seller. 16.10.08 - That wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it was going to be. Now you can have a bum banditeer badge
     


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Bloke - Sun 28 Sep 2008
Email : I am paranoid.

  Message:  

I saw Sumkunt with a guitar playing outside Mornington Cresent tube station yesterday.
     


It's nice to know that he's still out there. I wonder if anybody else has spotted SumKunt playing the guitar anywhere else?
     


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Phil - Wed 10 Sep 2008
Email : you know

  Message:  

Idea of PDF file is that Moreys (manufacturers) can tie me in to liability. If they've got one of my drawings that can't be altered , and if it goes wrong in the build, then they can point the finger at me! Whatever happened to commonsense. Years ago this would never happen.............THIS IS A COMPLAINT!!!
     


Well I'm totally surprised that any one would answer my question, but even so this doesn't strike me as a good enough reason for pdf. Surely printing a drawing out and signing it would be a better way? And because this is a bit serious can I just say "tits!"
     


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A. Punter - Wed 20 Aug 2008
Email : myob

  Message:  

listened to ROL for ages.............can they do better?........can they play live?..........gigs waiting all over the place!!!! .....no other band as original....blah blah........GET OFF UR ARSES AND SHOW US WOT U GOT!!!!! A PUNTER
     


You are absolutely right we should. Now if you could just get out your cheque book and make it worth our while I'll get right on with the whole practicing thing.
     


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Hse Inspector - Mon 18 Aug 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Not the DR Ron inventor of the muff buff- sadly not given a CE mark due to wrong grade sandpaper? As an HSE inspector I must warn spunkwash users not to dip their knobs in formalin after application of potassium permanganate - its explosive and will blow your dick off liberating formaldehyde gas and smegma. I should know.
     


Does that make the stuff that explodes when you touch it? Imagine, exploding smegma.
     


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Dr Ronald - Sat 09 Aug 2008
Email :

  Message:  

Dear Cheesybits, Please allow me to introduce myself to your audience of ardent fans. My name is Dr Ronald Bugle. I would also like to introduce to those loving and enthusiastic followers of yours the one and only patented "Dr Ronald Bugles SPUNKWASH" Uniquely and carefully formulated in the Laboratories of The Institute of Penile Hygiene in Switzerland this wonderful new mixture will once and for all provide the answer to those troublesome build-ups of malodourous deposits that so vex the male concerned with his appearance and personal grooming. Dr Ron's special formula with added Potassium Permanganate will also produce a refreshing beetroot coloured blush to the member that the ladies adore. After the massive public acclaim that has been seen in the United States of America (home of the free, and the scented organ) Dr Ron's Gift to Civilisation is now available in the United Kingdom. So lucky subjects of the Queen Elizabeth II, contact Cheesybits for your free sample of "Dr Ronald Bugle's SPUNKWASH. You will not be disappointed. Satisfaction Guaranteed.
     


Thankyou most informative. I would be proud to endorse your product if you would send me a sample: Mr Pieces, House of Cheese, Chedder Gorge Rd, Wendsydale, Etc. etc.
     


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Dr Bill - Sat 09 Aug 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Dear Sally C; Yes you are correct- however i was trying to be down with the kids and although i could have said 'Homolytic fission of the Co-C bond in the coenzyme furnishes the radical center with magnesium and calcium ions, thereby inducing protonation of the acetaldehyde donor group in the active site of the enzyme, which finally results in isographic hydrogen-bonded epoxidation of magnesium calcium acetaldehyde' i chose the man in the street (or woman) 'Old 1970s dogfood had lots of calcium filler'. ANyway i wrote the 'COENZYME B12 CATALYZED REACTIONS IN CANINE FAECES' paper shortly after my 'beta -carotene pseudogeneration in human vomit' paper - i had to collect 250 human saturday night vomit specimens for the study. Actually if you want edukashun then google 'abc chromogenic o'neill' - that really is me and i delved in your crap - well clockwork crims were never due for megastardom and i had a very needy sandwich addition to maintain.
     


I bet you couldn't say any of that when you are drinking real ale. I'd rather you didn't delve in crap - it isn't healthy.
     


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Bill - Sun 27 Jul 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

No the folk thing - one of them is my brother in law - they play whale smuggling tunes of typical folk - pretty difficult on the punk ears but have to support the family now and then and at least i got a free beer token at the recent eastbourne festival. Can i have my punk credentials back please? Pretty please?? Bill
     


No but by virtue of being old, and liking real ale, I am able to endow you with brand new folk credentials.
     


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Sally C - Sat 26 Jul 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Dessert Fox - what some sort of not too bad nazi who developed the lesser known Angeldelightkrieg form of tank warfare? Also re 5th quarter folk version of ROTL sandwich - did i have punk credentials - oooo thank you very much xx
     


Yes, unusually, the spelling was intentional. I was hoping some one would comment on it, I even had a humorous reply worked out. I even wrote it down somewhere so that I wouldn't forget it... Anyway, I think you should explain yourself more fully Re: your "act of prostitution to the harridan of folk". Were you just drunk? Taking the Michael? Indulging some sexual fantasy?
     


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Sally C - Sat 26 Jul 2008
Email : sally c6 ukonline co uk

  Message:  

Dear House of Cheese, I found your explantion of white dog shit very entertaining [how does one think up such convoluted, and yet impressively ingenious garbage as that?] but ultimately as doomed to failure as Dr. Bill's. I found this scientific report as a pdf file so have turned it into a webpage to provide your readers with the right answer. You'll find the answer in the second section entitled: "COENZYME B12 CATALYZED REACTIONS IN CANINE FAECES." The scientists conclude that "our calculations favor(sic) reaction via protonated radical species as the primary intermediate. Homolytic fission of the Co-C bond in the coenzyme furnishes the radical center with magnesium and calcium ions, thereby inducing protonation of the acetaldehyde donor group in the active site of the enzyme, which finally results in isographic hydrogen-bonded epoxidation of magnesium calcium acetaldehyde" whatever the f**k that means! So now can we let the subject drop! I'm feeling queasy.
     


Thank you. Very informative. I will sleep more comfortably tonight.
     


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Dr Bill - Fri 25 Jul 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Re White dog shite of yesteryear - Since my early attempts at stardom with Clockwork crims and my goal to produce the ultimate star sandwich war defence system for bands also sadly failed i fell back on life as a scientist so i can get off the sandwich stuff and answer this. Old 1970s dogfood had lots of calcium filler in these days dogs are fed much more classy horsemeat (yeah like cesar) with less crap filler. Annabel also chipped in that people scoop it up (not white dog shite- any recent anal presents are now removed by owners). I must point out i am not a dog food expert nor connected to the makers of cesar. Dave - thats an incredible sensible answer will I be banned?
     


Very sensible but, alas, not accurate. Anybody of a "certain" age will of course realise that, like most things in life, the "white dogshite of yesteryear" was in fact a hangover from World War Everybody. The practice was started in North Africa during our gallant boys' campaign against "The Dessert Fox". It has been well known for centuries that it is important to keep soldiers occupied when they are not involved in actual fighting. In North Africa some bright spark came up with the idea of getting the bored soldiers to paint camel dung with whitewash so that they could be used to demarcate the edges of roads and the imaginary gardens that officers had outside their tents - this can clearly be seen on war footage of the time. In England, of course, there were very few camels and so the soldiers were forced to paint the next best thing. This practice continued well into the 1970s when it was finally abandoned for health and safety reasons. Your explanation, while convincing and widely held to be true, is, I'm afraid, an urban myth.
     


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Jesteryenot - Sun 20 Jul 2008
Email : adamogrady tiscali com

  Message:  

Yes! I always had my suspicions about that lamp-post. It leans slightly to the left too.
     


I can't think of anything funny to say about lamposts.
     


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Gobuggerustheobscure - Sat 19 Jul 2008
Email :

  Message:  

At last someone else who knows that Jesus Christ Our Lord is really a Duck. I have waited years for this revelation to be shared by another mortal. What is also known by "The Few" is that John The Baptist has revealed himself to Modern Day Man as a lampost in Dundee. The one by the entrance to the bus station with the fossilised white dog turd at its base. This of course prompts the question asked by so many seekers of the truth, the same question that puzzled the Magi. "Where is the white dog shit of yesteryear?" Is it due to diet or are there more fundamental laws of physics at play? It is surely a rare thing these days. Gone are the piles of white dogshit of my youth. Alas Alack. But no need for despondancy, my underpants are on fire but I shall ignore the pain certain in the knowledge that CheesyBits will one day Rule the Earth with his bride Princess Soupkettle at his side smiling through her grey teeth. Meanwhile it is time for the Home Service broadcast from the BBC which means I must now wobble my jowls and retire to the third door on the right. I wish you well dear readers and trust that the itching will soon stop. Yours etc. etc. Lord Belge of Chipping Sodbury.
     


Tell me more of this Princess Soupkettle of whom you speak. Is she warmed by the fires of righteousness? Is she bountiful and over flowing with the milk of human kindness? Hath she hair like driven snow? Can she get her teeth fixed? For verily I say unto thee, if I am to be ruler of the earth, I can not have ambassadors from far-off places saying, "Methinks I don't fancy yours much".
     


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Bill - Wed 09 Jul 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Thanks ROTL i have started stockpiling sandwiches already. I was also hoping for a cheesybits reunion at one of the events, if that happened i would worry about sandwich gatecrashers and would maybe have to bring in security from the kung fu clubs i attend (yeah Dave want to make a sarcky comment now huh? -0h alright then go on then i'm a pussycat really) Bill
     


Sarcasm? Moi? I'm astonished that you doubt my sincerity...well actually...
Next Sandwich
     


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Revenge of the Lawn - Mon 30 Jun 2008
Email : the lawn btinternet com

  Message:  

Dear Bill, Yes, birthdays are good; weddings/anniversaries are even better. We'll do any of them. On several gig listing sites, we are promoted as a "wedding band" so a silver anniversary will be no problem for us - especially with our crowd pleasers "Bum Banditeers" and "I fucking h*%# the West Wight" (which incidentally we can tailor to suit your locality - how about "I fucking hate Willingdon or Pevensey"?) As for the lyrics ... yes, we'll use them. Anything that means we don't have to think up lyrics is great. As you mentioned, kids nowadays don't know how easy they got it - what with stalls selling ready made sarnies and ready-to-throw instant meals, pop stars that don't move around much, tv programmes and colour supplements telling you what are the best things to throw at pop bands, college courses teaching you how to throw things accurately to cause maximum damage, targets often painted on pop stars, satellite guidance systems for surgical stikes, stewards who will actually pin the pop star down for you while you pelt them with eggs, ... the list goes on. All very different in our day - you often had to dodge quickly or you'd end up getting hit by friendly fire. And finally, yes, we were trying a one upmanship 'who threw the first food product' but we concede defeat - we've asked around the band and we can't beat your great grandfather and his beef dripping crust back in 1813. And so we throw it out to the world - can anyone find a snack-related assault on an entertainer earlier than 1813?
     



Next Sandwich
     


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Revenge of the Lawn - Mon 30 Jun 2008
Email : thelawn btinternet com

  Message:  

Dear Chancers, It's too late to cover up your violent neo-nazi skinhead past by pretending to be a pleasant, wholesome Isle of Wight pop band. Oh, yes, I bet you regret it now. And, be careful not to get caught with your denial in your hand - you might have someone's eye out with it.
     


There I told you so.
     


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Rick Stanbridge - Tue 24 Jun 2008
Email : rickstanbridge yahoo co uk

  Message:  

Hi there Stumbled upon your site and laughed at the pic of the chancers...unfortuneately there is an anglo/czech band of the same name and that not be our mugs up there.. The myspace link was right tho...thanks for a good read. :O) All the best Rick
     


I'm sure ROTL are well aware that the picture is not right. I think they are taking the piss. It's their idea of humour. I'm glad you enjoyed the site, come again.
     


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Bill O'Nospam - Sun 22 Jun 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Dear ROTL stormtroopers My daughter is now on the run and changed her name to Purpy O'Keele to throw you ROTL bounty hunters off the scent. Eddie and the hot rods - i saw them at Hastings pier but was berefet of any food items to throw, these days you can use laser pens for accuracy and pre made sandwiches - gosh how things have changed, its so much easier too actually hit pop stars (Dave Cheesy was rather large so an easy non laser pen guided target in the 80's). I hope you are not trying a one upmanship 'who threw the first food product' with the EATHR and creme egg story as my great grandfather threw a beef dripping crust at the local potatoe band (similar to jamaican oil drums but using carefully whittled potatoes) back in Ballingary in 1813. Ok i'm still a big fan and hope you can do a gig in my garden for either my 50th birthday ( (2 yrs away) or Silver wedding anniversary - next year!! ROTL band members creme egg, Eddie didn't even have to beg, It hit him right in the eye, It made his mum cry, After that they didn't have a chance, To see pans eople dance. He was quite a nice chap, But his band were really crap. (apart from nervous wreck) (Which I often played on my deck) Can I have a recording contract now? Stock Aitkin and O'Neill
     


No, but award yourself a cream egg.
Next Sandwich
     


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Revenge of the Lawn - Mon 16 Jun 2008
Email : revenge c ukonline co uk

  Message:  

Dear Bill, Yes, we are still hurting from that Bestival ejection and we want to take it out on someone. We're vindictive like that. And yes, we are not quite the least litiguous band in Christendom (in the past, we have tried, and failed, to sue the Lord Jesus Christ for misrepresentation) but we are willing to make an exception in this case. Please inform your daughter to attend the Court of Small Claims at Winchester next Monday to face Revenge of the Lawn's Legal Team on a charge of Misusing Recorded Material To Get onto Right Side of Father. Please be informed that we're petty like that, even though we try to come across as carefree. P.S. Hope your daughter enjoyed the song and now understands more about how her father spent (or mis-spent) his youth. One of the members of our band once threw a Cadbury's Cream Egg at Eddie and the Hot Rods - is that worth a song? Mr. C-Bits, how about a page about things that have been thrown at bands (other than my Y-fronts, of course).
     


How about not. And by the way I still haven't forgiven you for throwing your Y-fronts at me that night down The Consort.
Next Sandwich
     


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Bill - Sun 15 Jun 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

I voted for revenge of the lwan many times and was disgusted with the result - is bestival the musical equivalent of zimbabwe? One of my daughters made me a Bill O'Neill sandwich CD for fathers day - please don't sue her ROTL.
     


Don't worry ROTL are officially the least litigious band in Christendom.
Next Sandwich
     


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Tw - Tue 10 Jun 2008
Email :

  Message:  

I don't visit often 'cos I am old and don't really understand what's going on here anymore. These days it is full of people that I don't know bitching about stuff thatI don't care about. I did vote for the Bestival thingy though. Don't know why. Some sort of misplaced sense of allegiance due to who knows what. Oh no, I remember... it was because Rob sent me an email asking me to and I thought, 'Why not'? So I did. But only because it required little effort. I'm good at that. Little effort that is. Gotta go. Can't remember why. But I do. Do you remember me? It's me.
     


Yeah...I think I remember you...you were the guy that didn't know what to do next. I'm sorry you find it all a bit confusing. Is it the sandwich? I find that confusing too. Thanks for voting but I don't think Revenge of the Lawn were ever going to win a public vote (they don't have nearly enough freinds); next time I will write a pice of software that cheats for them. I'm sure that's what everybody else does. It's nearly time to post another Waltons gig. Hope you got the tape of Sean. If you didn't why don't you kill him? It's what he would have wanted.
     


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Darby O'Leary - Mon 02 Jun 2008
Email : fngl sadkf adjkfgh sd jh cnbd dfhgui feeola net

  Message:  

I want to complain. It still says the Christmas house of cheese....for ducks sake! Easter has been and gone and it still says the Christmas house of cheese! Even by your relaxed, not to say slothfull standards thats beein' a bit slack.
     


Damn! I was hoping no one would notice.
     


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Bill O'Neill Rotl Disciple - Wed 28 May 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Revenge of the lawn have done a song about sandy - i can't believe it - neither can my wife and daughters and extended family. Thank you ROTL. Maybe i should keep quiet my job involving chlamydia screening. Dave - if you want the songs on no problem but i really am OK with this being an IOW band thing- quite agree- anyway Clockwork crims are dead and buried in time. They wrote a song about me - jeez man i'm in heaven.
     


There's a rumour going around that there might actually be a second sandwich song in the offing, by members of the band that wanted to cover the subject in a techno/skiffle stylee.
Next Sandwich
     


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Katy Pearson - Mon 26 May 2008
Email : I am paranoid.

  Message:  

You still haven't licked me yet!
     


Well you're a tease ar'n't you. For five years you don't call, you don't write, and then you show up on my doorstep etc. etc.
     


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Revenge of the Lawn - Sun 25 May 2008
Email : I am paranoid.

  Message:  

To Bill O' Neill, Well, here it is - we've finished the song "Bill O'Neill's Sandwich" - it's a bit of a rush job. Hope you enjoy it and it meets your expectations. Sorry about the spitting sounds - forgot to use a pop shield on the vocals. Also Manouche wasn't available for the vocals so had to get Prick-Ear instead so a bit rough there aswell. We'll redo a polished version(?) in the future sometime, when our brass section get back from Paris. [P.S. lyrics on Revenge of the Lawn website]
     



Next Sandwich
     


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Afata Partridge - Sun 25 May 2008
Email : afatpartridge tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Re: the time I slept with you in Ladbroke Grove in 1981. I now regret it and want to change my mind.
     


I'm not sure I've ever slept with anyone in Ladbrooke Grove and so I suspect this is a case of mistaken obscenity. But since you bring it up... was I any good?
     


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Platform One - Sun 25 May 2008
Email : info platformone org

  Message:  

We are writing to complain about your thinly and poorly disguised reference to our independent, not-for-profits youth arts organisation (focussing on the development and delivery of arts initiatives) within an entry in your What's New section. Our lawyers have advised us to demand that it be immediately withdrawn or we will be forced to subject you to our latest band, Anodyne Blandness. P.S. If that doesn't work, then we warn you - we have a Mission Statement and we're not afraid to use it! P.P.S. Please could you put the "not-for-profits" bit in bold type so it stands out. Thank you. By the way, did you know that we aim to provide an accessible platform and opportunity for young people and the wider community to be involved in exciting and innovative arts initiatives, with an emphasis on new technologies?
     


Well I would comply with you request were it not for the fact that I would soon receive an email from Platform One complaining about this email and the fact that it wasn't from them. I use the word "would" of course because Platform One ar'n't in the least bit interested in what I put on my website. You gave it away by demonstrating that you possessed a sense of humour. Organisations by their very nature do not possess senses of humour (or is it sense of humours). Even if somebody in the organisation thought the above message would be an appropriate response, which it would be, they would have to take the matter to some kind of committee before they could send it and I'm sure any humour would be ironed out of it by the time it had been considered. So... Nice try Rob. P.S. Nobody says "not-for-profits". They would say "non-profit-making", that is a dead give away. P.P.S. Ooops. I just checked their website. Scrub that last postscript.
     


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Revenge of the Lawn - Sun 18 May 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Re not IOW I did go camping in the new forest with my brother when I was 9 and spent a day on the IOW - does that count? No but seriously Dave - I now understand the set up and will no longer grovel so don't worry about thinking about it too long. Any hoo fans (cough) can find songs on the myspace page. I'm glad it's the IOW and not Kensington by sea - god bless you isle of wightens - anyone dug up a fossilised sandwich from the crust eaceous period ( ha ha - vaudeville enters the house of cheese)
     


I went camping in the New Forest once. I met a Jack Russell that stood on it's front legs to have a pee. Re: Posting The Clockwork Criminals on the House of Cheese™ I was going to suggest that a solution to the whole "me not wanting to do any work" problem was that you could do it instead. I will email you with the details if you are interested.
     


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Sandwich Bill - Fri 16 May 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Actually i think your drummer is quite right as the bassist in Clockwork i had a lot of time for my drummer even though he had a big nose. Apparently dave cheesey is going to download our songs from myspace onto the legendary cheeseybits site - oh go on dave - pleaaassseeee! Thats not too desperate is it? I mean i paid enough bloody entrance fees to SATCB's gigs. Anyway Revenge of the lawn i respect your drummers artistic static and will await patiently for the legendary - no - godlike - no - cheese and tomato (sigh!) like song which is imminent from your good selves - i love vending machine.
     


The House of Cheese™ was only ever intended as a site for bands that were either from The Island, that I'd been in, or that I was related to. I have no problem per se with posting other bands on my site other than it involves a lot of work that i don't want to do. Let me think about this (hopefully for so long that I never have to actually do anything about it). I'm shocked to learn that you paid to get into Smeggy and the Cheesybits gigs.
     


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Revenge of the Lawn - Sat 10 May 2008
Email : revenge c ukonline co uk

  Message:  

Re: song "Bill o'Neills Sandwich". Don't worry, Bill. It's on its way. Temporary set back -the drummer is getting all headmasterish on us.
     


Tuh..Drummers...
Next Sandwich
     


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Mr. Name. - Sat 10 May 2008
Email : mr_name isp co fu

  Message:  

....free bill o'neils sandwich with every two sold...
     



Next Sandwich
     


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Sandwich Song - Fri 09 May 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

I'm also patiently waiting for a version of 'free bill o'neills sandwich' to appear in revenge of the lawn's download page - come on chaps you saw how stellar bandaid went - what are you waiting for. I must admit my sandwich passion has been recently disrupted by sarah stevens and vending machines.
     


If this song ever comes into being I would seriously suggest submitting it to the Guiness Book of Records under the heading "Most Obscure Song Ever". Think about it - a song about a sandwich that was thrown at a band that nobody has ever heard of during a concert in a town that nobody has ever heard of (unless you live in Bexhill) written as a result of a conversation between to people that no one has ever heard of on the comments page of a website that no one has ever heard of. What would you have to write about to be more obscure than that?
Next Sandwich
     


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Clockwork Bill - Fri 09 May 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Re - Sarah "sandwich" stevens Stuff my old sandwich - i think i'm in love sighhhhh
     


Bad boy. In your bed.
Next Sandwich
     


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O. B. Quite Esq. - Thu 08 May 2008
Email : fucketybollock brain wank er

  Message:  

Well here I am, fresh from another successful banjo driven mini-tour of the IOW, comprising of playing Yates open mic night on Monday (You missed a good one Dave)and playing some songs in the Countryman in Brighstone after I got off the bus on Tuesday, then back to Portsmouth for open mic at the Fawcett Inn yesterday, that is to say Wensday. With reference to Allys somewhat disparaging remarks about my banjo, this friendy little instrument does unfortunately encounter more than it's fair share of unreasonable predjudice but most people like it. A bloke in the Fawcett last night told me that I was the best banjo player that he had heard, I think he meant had heard that day but anyway he was obviously a person of great taste, even if some what under the influence of alcohol. Wait till you hear my banjo version of 'Shena is a Punk Rocker'.....
     


You missed out your impromptu performance at HOC™. The ukulele has come in for much more stick than banjos ever did and now they are fast becomming the coolest instrument around again (of course I still look like a c**t when i play one) so keep the faith.
     


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Tony Webb - Sun 04 May 2008
Email : maryjanewarner hotmail co uk

  Message:  

Am i to late to vote???????????????????
     


Err..to vote on what? if you're talking about "What Tony does next," then you are a little tardy yes.
     


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Asdgasg - Sun 04 May 2008
Email : blah cheese co uk

  Message:  

porn
     


...there see. Can I just say that this would have been funnier if the messages were ordered in ascending order of date
Next Sandwich
     


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Sarah "Sandwich" Stevens - Sun 04 May 2008
Email : sstevens hotmail co uk

  Message:  

your spam filter doesn't like the word special with ist on the end - that's what it was blocking.
     


I'll proove it to you....
Next Sandwich
     


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Sarah "Sandwich" Stevens - Sun 04 May 2008
Email : sstevens hotmail co uk

  Message:  

And now you come to mention it, how about some full-on Pot Noodle prawn? P.S. I've had to use the word "prawn" instead of p _ _ _ cos your spurt filter won't let this massage through otherwise.
     


No you can use the word porn, that isn't a problem, of course getting a massage through the spam filter is going to be much more difficult.
Next Sandwich
     


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Sarah "Sandwich" Stevens - Sun 04 May 2008
Email : sstevens hotmail co uk

  Message:  

Part 2 It's somewhat of a niche taste so it's difficult to find.
     


Hmm...
Next Sandwich
     


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Sarah "Sandwich" Stevens - Sun 04 May 2008
Email : sstevens hotmail co uk

  Message:  

I'll try and send it in bits. Part 1 Phantom site moderator is right when he says there is sandwich prawn. Here is some sandwich prawn (soft crust prawn) that I came across on the Net.
     


I can't wait....no hang on... that's disgusting.
Next Sandwich
     


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Sarah "Sandwich" Stevens - Sun 04 May 2008
Email : sstevens hotmail co uk

  Message:  

Hello, I tried to send you a message but your spam filter blocked it.
     


That's possible..
Next Sandwich
     


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Ally2000 - Sat 03 May 2008
Email : I am paranoid.

  Message:  

OB quiet The reggae is good, the banjo crap. But the tech thats us download is wicked. OB on my Ipod... Cool... Smile. More photos, less teeth, more hair. where's my christmas card.
     


What the hell does "But the tech thats us download is wicked" mean. How can I send you a christmas card? I don't know who you are.
     


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Phantom Site Moderator - Fri 02 May 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

I bet you didn't realise there was such a thing as sandwich porn either - huh?
     


Any food is porn for me except kidneys.
Next Sandwich
     


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Benefit Gig - Thu 01 May 2008
Email : Billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Message: I will not be impressed if egg and cress sandwiches are present as fodder at the gig - eggs do contain Salmonella enteritidis and Campylobacter jejuni and would give people the squits. You're missing the point here - i am bereft of all feelings for any fly by night 2 piece bread products - i just want my darling cheese and tomato back - its been so long - i don't care if she has got green fungi growing all over her crusty edges. Just to feel the gentle squeeze of her tomatoes against the hard cheddar cheese and ....... This posting has been interupted by the sites moderator* {This interuption has been interupted by the sites moderator so he can do this **} - i will not tolerate sandwich porn on my site. ........opps sorry - anyway lets get this straight,
Benefit gig - OK
Ryde Theatre - OK (but Rye theatre is do-able by bus from eastbourne)
Bill O'Neill benefit song - OK (but can i check lyrics first?)
Rev John curtis speech - Defintely but see above re lyrics.
Francis Pickering - God bless him - why isn't he standing as Londom Mayor? Can i assemble a ninja squad to storm Handbag Nigels place - anyone got his address? Cheesetomatoella i'm coming - site moderator* - stop that sandwich porn stuff now else your barred!!
     


**Neither of the other two interruptions were actually made by the site's moderator, {nor was I aware that there was any moderating going on (other than censoring the occasional "s" word, "f" word or cunt} this is the grossest misrepresentation.
Next Sandwich
     


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Revenge of the Lawn - Mon 21 Apr 2008
Email : revenge c ukonline co uk

  Message:  

Dear Francis Pickering and the Sandwich Cold Case Squad, Yes, we would like to offer our services to you. We have therefore started to organise a Free Bill O'Neill's Sandwich Benefit Concert, hopefully at Ryde Theatre. There will be quite a number of bands in the line-up, as well as a rabble-rousing speech in the middle by the tub-thumping Rev. John Curtis, a long-time, close friend of Bill's. Francis, you will need to produce t-shirts and badges to be sold along with various propaganda literature at the special table. We'll arrange the sandwiches, but please keep Bill away from them. You know what he's like when he's got one in his hand and we certainly don't want a faceful of an egg and cress sandwich, no matter how well made they are, when we're up there playing. Also, might need a few open air rallies in the middle of Newport at some point, but again, don't let Bill near the sarnies! I think this gig is doubly important, since I see from the e-mail by the Sandwich Cold Case Squad, that there are children involved (Hmm, interesting - sex with a sandwich!). This whole side of this sordid affair will need to be hushed up or we'll have Social Services involved and then all our sandwiches have had it. P.S. You'll be pleased to hear we've written a Free-Bill-O'Neill's-Sandwich anthem specially for the gig.
     


I can't wait to hear that. Up to your usual lyrical standard i hope.
Next Sandwich
     


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Sandwich Cold Case Squad - Sun 20 Apr 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

We have been trying to locate this sandwich since Mrs O'Neill (Bills mum) reported it missing possibly uneaten in 1980. If you lot don't stop messing about and give Bill back his sandwich then we'll send Trevor Eve around. Bill did not throw the sandwich - it involunatarily left his hand after an argument about whether the tomato was a vegetable or fruit. It was only supposed to be a trial separation, there were kids involved he has never looked at another sandwich since, although has been tempted by Subway. Reunite Bill and his Sandwich now - you know it makes sense - rumours that Bob Geldoff is preparing c list popstars for Sandwich Aid are rife - feed the Bill, do you know its sandwich time? Is it time to stop sandwich posts yet? DC Breadmeister (not Bill O'Neill at all)
     


Hey no, you carry on. Nobody is talking about anything else anyway.
Next Sandwich
     


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Francis Pickering - Mon 14 Apr 2008
Email : f j pickering reading ac uk

  Message:  

Dear House of Cheese, This is really for the person called Handbag Nigel. I think you should be ashamed of yourself. I have seen the suffering these decaying sandwiches have to put up with, when they are paraded for auction on the sandwich walk in front of hundreds of slobbering and hungry eyes at the auction rooms. It really is a disgustingly sad sight, as each sandwich (usually with bites taken out of them, for most of their original eaters threw them away in disgust or in jest) shuffle slowly and forlornly onto the stage, as the clients bid madly for them. The degree of sadness of the sandwich is matched by the degree of violence of the bidding, as clients flap paper wildly, hit each other with bidding batons, yell, scream and shout and finally lust noisily and with much saliva, after each dejected sandwich, often disorientated and confused by the avaricious clamour. You, Handbag Nigel, are no better than a sandwich pimp and should be spat on. Don't give me all that mock righteous charity! Give the sandwich back to its rightful owner, who, after all, seems a decent sort. What he did was a long time ago and he's obviously learnt his lesson. I'd like to suggest a Reunite Bill O'Neill with his Sandwich Campaign. Any takers?
     


Okay..I'm a bit disturbed now.
Next Sandwich
     


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Handbag Nigel - Sun 13 Apr 2008
Email : handbag_nigel btinternet com

  Message:  

Dear Bill O'Neill, I am sorry to hear that you have not eaten since 1980. Perhaps I could arrange for some food shipments to Hastings or possibly some soup kitchen vouchers for you. I say this to somehow alleviate the bad news that I will not be returning your sandwich to you for the following two reasons: Reason 1. I am now legally the owner of that sandwich and have a Certificate of Ownership from Christies to prove it. Also, recently, there has been a huge growing market for sandwiches in the Art Collector's World, especially amongst Arab oil sheiks and East Asian businessman. Sandwiches from the period between 1978 and 1982 are particularly sought after. So much so, that a peanut butter sandwich, thrown at The Sex Pistols in 1977, did not even reach its reserve price of 3, whereas a crustless strawberry jam sandwich made from Cranks wholemeal bread with a light smattering of poppy seed, that caught Elvis Costello full in the eye in 1980, exceeded even the most optimistic expectations when it sold for 3,700 two weeks ago. So you can see that the trend in recent auction prices laughs at the 530 I paid for your sandwich. Nonetheless, I paid alot of money for that sandwich and consequently I am not willing to part with it. If I were to sell, I don't think you'd be in a position to buy it back. Reason 2. I have spoken to the sandwich and it says it does not want to go back to you. It is prepared to meet up with you for a short chat, but you must realise that you were quite beastly to it back then, and it is very nervous, even intimidated, about meeting you again. I will try my best to get it see you for longer and maybe spend the day with you, possibly on the South Downs with a nice pub lunch thrown in, but much more than that, I fear will be impossible. It is clearly so unhappy about seeing you again that it has insisted that, if such a meeting were to happen, that I be present to oversee matters. My big question though is: Why? Why did you have to throw it? I mean, all you had to do was eat it. But, oh no, you had to go and throw it, didn't you? And by doing that, you essentially undermined the whole psychological fabric of that sandwich's existence - basically you called into question its sandwichliness. You made it feel insecure about its sandwichuality, leaving it doubting it was a real sandwich. You made it feel inadequate, prompting it to ask itself, "Was it really not good enough to eat?" And you induced a full collapse of its self-esteem, causing it to the reach the crushing conclusion that it was not worth anything in culinary or nutritional terms. And here, it must be said that the target of your sandwich assault, the band, Smeggy and the Cheesybits, are also partly responsible for this sandwich's self-loathing. Having been thrown at this noisy puking outfit, the sandwich landed on the floor, only then to be totally ignored by the band, causing arguably more emotional damage to the sandwich's self-worth than you had already caused. No, I can understand why that sandwich does not wish to meet you, let alone go back to you. You see, by throwing that half-eaten sandwich at some flea-bitten band from Brighton, you really were causing that sandwich a great deal of psychological trauma. A sandwich's raison d'etre is to be eaten. To put it more philosophically, I am edible therefore I am. Now, you start launching a sandwich as a projectile and you set up an incredible, but mouth-watering mixture of mental confusions, contradicting emotions and psychological tensions within the psyche of that sandwich. Its primal urge tells it to prepare itself to be eaten, and yet there it is flying through the air for the purpose of mirth and merriment at the expense of some band. It has essentially become a clown, whose only purpose is to make people laugh. This is all very well and is very funny, I agree, when the thrown sandwich connects with a member of a band and causes them some inconvenience or, even better, some hugely embarrassing discomfort (in fact, in this sort of case, the throwing is fully justified, even required, especially if it results in a temper tantrum, since the damage caused to the sandwich is outweighed by the vastly greater pleasure of a large number of people on seeing the huge embarrassment damage caused to the band). But a sandwich's self-esteem is built on its awareness of its more worthy function of providing sustenance for human beings. If this purpose is denied, the mental imbalance in the sandwich's psyche causes what psychologists call a Self-Oozing Breakdown, where all its self-respect and potency seeps out of it. A sandwich is a simple being and cannot cope with the philosphical contradiction. Essentially, in clinical terms, you have 'negated' it, which always leads to a total malaise. A sandwich in this state will not pick itself up or stand up for itself. It will just lie around allowing itself to be stepped on continually by the customers of the pub or dancehall. Fortunately, Lord Exeter managed to rescue this one and add it to his Fine Art Sandwich collection. What I'm trying to say in a very long but justified way, is that, in 1980, by that simple act of hurling that poor half-eaten sandwich, you did untold damage to it and it really would not be a good thing for you to have the sandwich back - not good for the sandwich, and, I think deep down, you know it would not be good for you. I mean, could you really cope with all the deep feelings that would be unleashed in you, if you were to be reunited with your sandwich? I mean, the guilt alone could be very dangerous, but the feelings of longing and pleasure would be so overwhelming that I fear for the safety of Hastings. If you quickly nip upstairs and fetch your copy of The Psychiatric Rehabilitation of Light Snacks Journal [ Number 5 / August, 2006. pp. 245-307] and reread the 2006 case, when an estranged ham and mustard sandwich was returned to its owner John Stratton, after a separation of seven years, you will no doubt remember that Stratton had a total breakdown, after massive euphoria turned into self-loathing. And all he had done was mislaid the sandwich seven years before. He never used it as a weapon of jollity and amusement! In labouring the point, I don't think you can understand the stress and emotional strains that you caused in that sandwich in that simple act of throwing it. A SANDWICH IS NOT MEANT TO FLY; IT IS MEANT TO SLIDE. I know that, God knows that, everyone knows that - except for you, it seems. Since then, the sandwich has had to deal with crippling schizophrenic issues, but after much therapy, has managed to pull through. I've had to pick up the pieces. Do you know how tedious it is listening to a sandwich pour out its rage, traumas, fears, insecurities and feelings of inadequate confusion hour after hour, for months on end? I sometimes wish I hadn't bought the bloody thing, and therefore I really do want people to understand that: SANDWICHES ARE FOR LIFE, NOT JUST FOR A QUICK FLING IN A PUB. P.S. I am not interested in finding a culprit to blame (other than you, Smeggy and the Cheesybits, Hastings Pier and all the punters who attended that gig]; all I want to do is publicise the fragile psyche of the common sandwich and prevent this sort of sandwich abuse in the future. All my love, Handbag Nigel. P.P.S. Clockwork Criminals had a good jangly sound - great classic stuff. You should've done some gigs in Portsmouth - I never went outside the city limits, you see. Do you remember a shop called Bondage in General?
     


Hey guys! Get a room!
Next Sandwich
     


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Peter Collins - Sun 13 Apr 2008
Email : pcollins virgin net

  Message:  

Hi, Pat,hope this gets to you, but some of the forms on the office webpage are meesing up at the moment. I've been away working in Germany and got back last Thursday. the bag was confiscated by border police and so all that stuff was lost. think they missed the concealed dustpan and brush though - you did a good job there! Are you still at the same address? Did you manage to feed and let the cat out? don't matter if you didn't cos there's plenty of leather in the house for it to eat. Albanians weren't satisfied with the quality of the furnishings and said if the corners were Spanish cut and in a beige we'd have a deal. Beige??!!! I think this deal's a non starter. I refuse to deal in beige - what do you think? Let me know & then i can get cracking on taking out the writ against you know who.
     


???????
     


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Bill O'Neill - Sat 12 Apr 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

If anyones interested you can here more delightful southcoast punk gems at myspace.com/clockworkcriminals - yes revel in the only southcoast punk concept EP for free - go on see if you can match the songs to bits in the book. Answers on a postcard to Bill, winner will get a half eaten sandwich if handbag nigel(la) ever gives it back.
     


Ah yes! Clockwork Criminals, Hastings, funny story. Must..write..funny..story..
Next Sandwich
     


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Lukebudz - Sat 05 Apr 2008
Email : lukebudz hotmail co uk

  Message:  

sweet, you've put my music on the net. will send some new music and photos soon. love luke budz.x
     


The more the welcomer. But don't go sending me massive emails will you.
     


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Nur - Tue 01 Apr 2008
Email : I am paranoid.

  Message:  

EAR Al said that Rob said, that picture of Quintin is Pete Singelton, and the other two are Bob the Violinist and Bruno's wife. We showld the picture of us to Sam........... Love nur x
     


Who the hell was Bob the Violinist? Come to that who the hell was Bruno (I know who his wife was, its that girl in the picture), and who the hell is Sam? Thankyou for the info I will doctor the pictures sweet tooth.
     


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Bill O'Neill - Mon 31 Mar 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Handbag Nigel- can i have my f**king sandwich back pleeeze i haven't eaten since 1980. Anyway i think i personally made that sandwich and thus deserve any royalties from future sales - ask cliff richard.
     


There are rumours that Handbag Nigel is now known as Handbag Nigella, I'm sure we'll know soon enough. Remember that the adventures of Handbag Nigel are chronicled in the song posted recently by Revenge of the Lawn (available for download here and here for abolutely nothing {and while I'm nesting brackets can I just say what a sublime final third that song has - beutiful slide guitar playing}).
Next Sandwich
     


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Derry Le Ach - Sat 29 Mar 2008
Email : I am paranoid.

  Message:  

I haven't got cable though ! OK so you dudes had your chance, shame you cannot make 100 Club on 21/06, I have got Little Barrie to take the slot I held for y''all. Maybe my hope of another gig was naive and silly. What happened to Dread does he still drum ? Was listening to the Dead above the Neck tape a couple of weeks ago - lerv the Scrounging Song, reminds me of a few folks on IOW that I knew at the time. All the best, respek to the Waltons ! Del. PS-anybody in London on above date check above band night it will be a cracker.
     


Yeah sorry about that Derry but it was never really on the cards. I'm sorry I don't know what happened to Dread, I haven't seen him since yesterday afternoon when he was playing the drums in my front room. I do know that he has handed on the rhythm gene to the next generation and that this can be seen in action at Ryde Castle this evening (I think) playing with The Hoops (I also think).
     


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Obq - Wed 19 Mar 2008
Email : I am paranoid.

  Message:  

Well I did the open mic. on monday but because they had a band on as well I only got to play three short songs. Apologies the anyone who came eager to hear me but I had to go and get a bus. The band were called....er...can't remember..they had a very good fiddle player and a complete lack of memorable songs.
     


Sorry I forgot all about it. What's the idea of having a gig on a Monday anyway?
     


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John - Thu 28 Feb 2008
Email : I'mreallypissed thepub com

  Message:  

Hey Cheesybits. This top ten...it isn't for real is it?
     


I swear it's absolutley kosher. Well except for the index of indifference which is pure bollox (I can't even remember how I worked that out) but even that is automatic I don't interfere with it. The chart positions and the top ten songs are based on real downloads. Cats Like Plain Crisps are the most popular band by a considerable margin and have been since I started recording the downloads (though you've got bear in mind that their songs are probably being downloaded mostly by girls who obviously don't realise that you don't have to download a song everytime you want to listen to it [it's genetic don't you know {even if you are an Online Teaching and Learning Manager and responsible for online pedagogy(sic) in its broadest sense (there I go, nesting brackets again)}]). But all joking aside Cats Like Plain Crisps get downloaded every day which is more {a lot more} than you can say for some bands [Rob]. Though to be fair to the Be-Bop Dustbins I have just realised that their download page hasn't been working for the last I don't-know-how-long [and to be fair to the downloding massive, either nobody told me or nobody knew]. the only underhand dodgyness I'm aware of is the fact that Rob keeps producing more and more Waltons tapes but refuses to let me post any more dustbins tapes. This is an obvious ploy to lower the Waltons' average downloads to a point where they drop below the Dustbins [it's working].
     


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Mr Angry - Thu 28 Feb 2008
Email : f**k off and die once com

  Message:  

You want opinions? My opinion is that nobody really gives a shit.
     


True. Concise and to the point.
     


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Derry Le Ach - Tue 26 Feb 2008
Email : derryleach aol com

  Message:  

are Waltons gonna play again or would they consider it ? If so I have a slot for you at the 100 Club in London on Sat 21/06. Also ThunderClap Newman are playing and some other cool bands. cheers, Del.
     


The chances are slim frankly. Ask Mista Mushroom or I Heart Audrey they'll do it.
     


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Cerys Fan - Sat 23 Feb 2008
Email : avottak gmail com

  Message:  

Cerys is a new treatment for male erectile dysfunction (ED). Cerys is an almond-shaped yellow tablet and is swallowed. Cerys
     


Damn! you guys are just too clever for me.
     


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Anne Fan - Fri 22 Feb 2008
Email : I am paranoid.

  Message:  

The Four Marys - Shocking
     


Finally! Someone with an opinion.
     


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Jim - Mon 11 Feb 2008
Email : jimproudfoot2 aol com

  Message:  

Hello. I am researching a book about the popular music scene and youth culture in Hastings, 1956 to present. I understand that you played on the pier at the Flesheaters Ball and wondered whether you have any memories of that gig or playing in Hastings generally. Do you remember Clockwork Criminals? Thanks Jim
     


Yes I do remember playing at the pier though I don't remember the Clockwork Criminals even though they played with us on at least one occaision (according to their web site) and yes I do have a good story about playing at the Carlisle (as mentioned below). I will try and write it down for you. The name Jim Proudfoot is very familiar.
     


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Handbag Nigel - Sat 09 Feb 2008
Email : handbag_nigel btinternet com

  Message:  

Your a bloody liar, Mr. Bits,I bought that sandwich at an auction last year and it cost me a ton cos unfortunately there were alot of sandwich collectors there cos the Annual World Sandwich Collector's Fair was being held in London that Spring. For details of the Lot, see Christie's Lot Archive. I will willingly post a picture of it in its mahogany presentation case if you wish, or else you could visit my Travelling Sandwich Museum, when it comes to Portsmouth later in the year. Always happy to oblige, Handbag Nigel.
     


I'm sorry I can't type I'm laughing too much. Don't worry it's just because I've been taking the 5th (or was it the 7th) most dangerous drug in the world
Next Sandwich
     


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Bill O'Neill - Sat 09 Feb 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Can i have my sandwich back please?
     


Ha! No sorry I ate it!
Next Sandwich
     


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Sean - Sat 09 Feb 2008
Email : sean ridler fsmail net

  Message:  

David, I forgot to ask, who the f**k is this Tony Cornell bloke, looking to thrashhhhhh my boy. Did I know him at some point? Or did I perhaps arrogantly ignore him on some occasion, when all he was trying to do was be friendly and all I could think about was what a great STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR I was, daaaaaarling!!!! Yeah, thinking about it, that may well have been what happened. Anyway, I don't care who he is or what I did............except, who IS he (and do I care?)
     


Tony is only trying uphold standards in written English I'm sure that there is nothing personel intended in his comments made about your son. He is, however, a raving homosexual.
     


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Sean Waggabanjo - Sat 09 Feb 2008
Email : sean ridler fsmail net

  Message:  

Hello David, I'm afraid I'm a little tired, and so feel unable to tackle the marking of your work until tomorrow, however I thought it only fair to let you know that, even after the brief readthrough that I've managed, it's quite clear that substantial rewriting will be neccessary. Notwithstanding this, please be aware that any and all further material that you submit to us will be defaecated upon with all due diligence and haste. Yours etc. J. Waggabanjo Senior Partner, Waggabanjo, Yeti, and Frooom
     


Thank you for your prompt reply. I will pass it on to our re-cycling department immediately.
     


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Sean - Fri 08 Feb 2008
Email : sean ridler fsmail net

  Message:  

No David, that's a Cabal - C-A-B-A-L...........your command of English grammar, spelling, and syntax is sadly little better than that of my youngest son Ralph, who I understand corresponded with you on this "website" on a regular basis. No more, however. Last week, Ralph was sentenced to death by our Ridler Family Court and executed, for walking upon a flower bed in the garden, and his sister Hermione imprisoned in the family dungeon for life, for having wantonly spread too much butter upon her scone. Their Father has spoken. PS. Has your life REALLY become THIS EMPTY?
     


Dear Sir, If you had read my comment carefully you would have noticed that I suggested two alternate spellings for your "son's" mumblings. Firstly C-A-B-L-E and secondly C-A-B-A-L. the first I spelt directly and the second I referenced by it's definition. Both words differ by one character from "Ralph's" scrawlings and yet you seem to simplemindedly focus on the second whilst ignoring the first. Is this because you are a stupid talent less c**t?
     


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Tony Cornell - Wed 06 Feb 2008
Email : lordcornell ukonline co uk

  Message:  

Dear Mr C-Bits, I'd like to be the first to support you wholeheartedly in your sending of the young Ridler to his room. The sooner he's sent upstairs to think about his literary naughtiness, the better. All those in favour, say Aye.
     


Aye
     


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Guess Whoo - Tue 05 Feb 2008
Email :

  Message:  

comfortable playing with each other by this time and the line up is unusual in that both OB Quiet and Sean "the" RiDdler are playing. If you have to listen rock music you might aswell listen to this. Y CAN NO-ONE SPELEL THE NAME R-I-D-L-E-R 1D1D1D1D1D1D1D1D1D1D1D1D1D1D1D
     


Thankyou Mr Riddler.
     


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Me Again - Tue 05 Feb 2008
Email : I am paranoid.

  Message:  

I STILL HAVE CABEL ARE YOU GOING TO THE BESTIVAL THIS YR . I AM , GIVING UP ON FESTIVAL . HOW ARE HE KOOKS SUNDAY NIGHT LIKE B4 THE POLICE , OH WELL BYEEEE
     


That's Cable C-A-B-L-E or do you have a small group of secret plotters, as against a government or person in authority.
     


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Ralph Ridlerrrrrrr - Tue 05 Feb 2008
Email : like-you-care hotmail com

  Message:  

I HAVE CABEL ITS GREAT HAVNT LEFT AN OBSCENCE COMMENT FOR A WHILE we saw you in sainsburys i have told dad yo uses his new pc too come on here and get in touch because all he does is listen too genisis ALL NIGHT EVERYDAY on YOUTUBE , he uses it more than me........ ohh , aprently he phoned some-one yesterday HELP I LOVE CABEL
     


Ralph. If you don't learn to write I'm going to send you to your room.
     


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Bill O'Neill - Sun 27 Jan 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

Only recording was the Brighton college gig, and i think only one photo of Smeggy in the anchor pub Hastings. The venue you mention was probably the Carlisle pub - i remember that one and when you nearly didn't turn up for a gig on Hastings pier. Happy memories.
     


No we turned up for the gig it was Smeggy that was late. Fortunately Nicky and the Dots kindly made way for us. I remember that gig as being the first time anybody threw a sandwich at us, it was half eaten too, cheese and tomato.
Next Sandwich
     


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Bill O'Neill - Sun 27 Jan 2008
Email : billlimosus tiscali co uk

  Message:  

I too have eaten most of my sticky out bits after discovering cheesey page. Being the ripe old age of 47 and hailing from Hastings we use to regularly follow the smeg gang loaded up with flour, eggs and foam. There was nothing better than a smeggy gig - i think other bands on at the gig wondered what the hell was happening as the venues took the appearence of a huge cookery programme as flour n eggs were liberally spread on everyone - in fact if we had brought milk i'm sure we could have had pancakes apres-gig. i went on to play bass for Charlie and crims (Clockwork crims) and for a laugh have a look at the myspace page. Anyway i too recorded the art college gig on my old amstrad tape recorded (it weighed a ton) but i think the quality is equally e or f - shame. Its great to be able to download some of the songs - cheers.
     


I have fond (if slightly bizzarre) memories of Hastings. Especially playing at that upstairs club in a carpark on the front. Where Smeggy was so pissed that he only made it half way through the first number. I don't spose you've got any other tapes do you? Or photos of the Cheesybits?
     


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Henry Bollocks - Sun 13 Jan 2008
Email : arse upwards co uk

  Message:  

Just when I thought life was strange and weird with just a dash of HP sauce I discovered Cheesybits and have now eaten my toes.
     


Thankyou (I think).
     


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Kevin Dean - Thu 10 Jan 2008
Email : lockquay aol com

  Message:  

sorry about that, I just wanted to know if you had any django stuff & thanks for standing in ,you were better than that Anderson bloke.
     


Yes Rob's got a tape of that first gig but he seems reluctant to let me post it on this site (too embarrassing he says) but I'll talk him round. He said he would do you a copy though. I've got some Django ratix stuff which I will post eventually (honest). Re: Standing in - don't be silly.
     


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Kevin Dean - Tue 08 Jan 2008
Email : lockquay aol com

  Message:  

Have got ant Django ratix stuff from the first gig at Brooke House? Rob wrote the lyrics on the same night of the gig in the Fleming Arms. Love Kevin
     


I don't understand. What's an ant got to do with it? I can't help thinking there's a pronoun or two missing from your message as well. If your'e saying you have a tape of Django Ratix's first gig then give me a copy and I'll put it up. But what I would really like to hear is a tape of the gig when your guitarist didn't turn up and you roped in a certain Mr Cheesybits to play for you.
     


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