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You wanna buy feelthy badges señor?      
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Obscure Badges and CDs
Links and Shit
See who is better than who[m]
Download highly entertaining and priceless mp3s
Photos, posters and other shit (and shit)
Complain bitterly about this site (or indeed anything)
Make admiring comments about my new buttons, compliment the musicians who are giving of their all for free
See what everyone else is whining about
A small collection of fanzines what I have accrued
Some old stats from 2005
Including the Adventures of Smeggy's Rat
Quote of the decade (and others)
The mystery button (which I will direct at different stuff when I feel like it)
This web site is, as it has been for a number of years, under construction. So some of the links don't work etc. However I will improve things soon….honest.

But one day I will die.
Visit Sally for links to other sites
What's Old

Hands up! I know you're out there!

Hokay.. you should be able to get to that copy of Sprog now.

Here are a couple of fanzines that have been available via Punk Brighton for ages but I'd never got around to linking from here..

Here are a couple of New Posters including the one that is mentioned here.

I thought I'd posted this version of Mrs Jones months ago!

A brand new (and therefore better) mix of Manchester Express

postcard from Helen Mc Cookerybook

The all new, all singing, all dancing, high-speed fully automatic Bitching & Complaining Suite™. Inevitably this means that lots of links on this site will stop working so if you find one please let me know.

For no other reason than because I can: The All New Picture Chart.

Waltons Jaming.

Shop! Now with prices!.

In a lightning strike (11 days is pretty good going by my standards), The House of Cheese™ becomes an unscrupulous badge vendor.

Unscrupulous badge vendors make large sums of money at Revenge of the Lawn's expense.

More Noddy.

New to The House of Cheese™ SumKunt with a Guitar.

Brighton 1981.

Pass the Grass Please Duchess.

The musical insanity that is Django Ratix.

Feck OFF

Slaves of what now?

New from those tart, yet fruity, escapees from the funny-farm of ambition Revenge of the Lawn, a tale of just how wrong commuting can go.

After six weeks in the number two spot Cats Like Plain Crisps are bitch-slapped into third place by The Waltons in the ever exciting House of Cheese™ Download Chart...

...Snigger (I said number twos).

New from those aspiraters of Nihilism, Revenge of the Lawn, a grainy black and white depiction of the Battle of the Atlantic.

PDF files.

Photos of the mud fest that was (is actually) The Bestival 2008

New old archive material from Revenge of the Lawn.

Sorry. You should be able to download that song now.

Happy Birthday Everyone! Those filter papers of anticipation Revenge of the Lawn croon their way into your subconscious with their latest offering.

Revenge of the Lawn storm to the bottom of the charts by telling Noddy Stories.

Some really awful photos of The Dustbins Playing at The Pavilion

The Waltons have currently been downloaded 666 times. Fortunately under EU rules The Number of the Beast has been devalued to 616. I'm still worried though because 666 is recognised by most world religions to be The Number of the Bus. So "one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle", speaking with "a great voice, as of a trumpet" will still arrive, but verily he shall come hither on a Routemaster from Acton depot.

Other Shit from The House of Cheese™.

Cats Like Plain Crisps streak ahead of The Waltons in the House of Cheese™ Download Chart.

For your "enjoyment" here is all of Nab Funk's Third, Final and Loudest gig. if anybody has a copy of their Second, Longest and Most Interminable gig, please let me know.

News of a new island sport and new products from Revenge of the Lawn.

Three new tracks from The Four Marys.

Finally a complete copy of The Waltons' album Dead Above the Neck

The eponymous Bill O'Neil looses his punk credentials in a strange act of prostitution to the harridan of folk.

Those masticators of rhythmic cheese Revenge of the Lawn are held to be completely out of order when they ask the question Why!

Some pictures of "The Meat Gig"

Nab Funk claw their way into the Top Twenty

Revenge of the Lawn become "The Bitches of Corporate Sponsorship". Click here for the full story.

Vote Now! (see below). Oh wait! You are too late! Voting is now closed!

Is this the most obscure song ever? Those axolotls of obduracy Revenge of the Lawn have posted a moving tale of one man and his sandwich.

Steve Kellet has raised his head above the parapet long enough to pass on the last missing Cats Like Plain Crisps tape. Here for your delectation and downloadation is the (almost) complete "Kellett Tapes" including one never-heard-before-on-the-interporn song.

If you want to see Revenge of the Lawn playing live
here is your opportunity. All you have to do is vote for them in the Bestival Competition at the IWCP website. You have to bear in mind that they are competing against bands that actually have friends that will vote for them, so tell all your relatives and work-mates to vote for them too. If you have a dynamically allocated IP address (which is most of you) you will be able to vote every 24 hours or so. Remember if you don't vote don't blame me if you end up listening to a strangely proficient but ultimately dull rock band that has been randomly generated by XXXXXXXX XXX. Revenge of the Lawn assure me that if they get to the live final their set will include:
Vote Now!

Bizarrely "A minutes Silence for John Peel" has broken into The House of Cheese™ Top Twenty. Presumably downloaded by people expecting it to be a raucous guitar anthem or some kind of joke. It is in fact 60 seconds of slightly breezy ambience recorded outside my mum's house on the evening that I learnt of JP's death.

And while we are on the subject, here is Owen's original recording of "The Scrounging Song".

OB Quiet drops in to the House of Cheese™.

Two new tracks from the Waltons (courtesy of OB Quiet).

There was a tragic accident at the weekend when those liquorice all-sorts of peace and reconciliation Revenge of the Lawn accidentally jammed their f**king faces off.

Yet another song from those horticulturalists of amity Revenge of the Lawn

Finally after two years pissing about. A new song from Revenge of the Lawn

Two new live tracks from OB Quiet

How exciting (yawn) Revenge of the Lawn and The Waltons are equal first in the download chart {probably for the next ten minutes or so}.

Some new photos.

Revenge of the Lawn bow to external pressure and clean up their act.

*NEW* to The House of Cheese™ Luke Budz and his psychedelic stylie. OK I'll stop saying that now I think that was originally coined by somebody at the County Press so lets leave it. Anyway there are 12 brand spanking tracks for you to download here.

Revenge of the Lawn confess to something (I think).

*NEWSFLASH* Everybody ignores what is one of my favourite songs on this site (despite, or possibly because, of my recommendation).

Cats Like Plain Crisps drop to third in the House of Cheese™ download chart as The Waltons elbow their way into second place.

Everything you ever wanted to know about The Isle of Wight.

*New* Random 80s Band pictures and pics of another party.

*Smock Hollow* Revenge of the Lawn falafel their way into the top spot.

*Sock Horror* Brand new old song from The Be-Bop Dustbins.

*Shock Horror* OB Quiet is planning to play at the open mic night at Yates in Newport(IW) on Monday 17th March 2008. If you go you can see his new banjo.

*Shock Horror* Revenge of the Lawn force The Waltons into the number three spot, in the House of Cheese™ Download Chart.

I F**king Hate the W**t Wh**t storms up the charts.

*New* At the End of Old Ryde Pier. Previously released material from those back peddling cocks Renege of the Lawn

*New* The original version of The Waltons' Painkilling Time.

*New* At long last! The moment you've all been dreading for...The Long Lost Easter Story!

*New* Two mixes of the same song? The world's gone mad I tell you. Those forfenders of alacrity Revenge of the Lawn dabble in social realism.

*New* The Five Minute Waltons Experience.

A complete Waltons gig which, unusually, is quite well recorded and very entertaining.

One, (count it), one new song from those arbiters of sartorial comfort Revenge of the Lawn.

"The first shall be last and the last shall be first, the second to last shall come second, the third to last shall come third and so on until you get to somebody in the middle who stays right where he (or she) is unless there is an even amount of people in which case the two in the middle can swap places", sayeth the Lord.

Because I said I would (but mostly because their only having one song is mucking up the charts) here is
NAB FUNK's entire first gig.

Two new tracks from The Four Marys.

Revenge of the Lawn caught practicing.

Do banks have bank accounts? If so, where?

Revenge of the Lawn pull ahead of Smeggy and the Cheesybits in the House of Cheese™Download Chart.

Revenge of the Lawn expand their fashion collection.

A new song from those randy spazs Revenge of the Lawn.

Brand spanking! House of Cheese™ Download Chart.

Even more pictures of the King Kurt gig.

Absolutely Brand New (and therefore better) House of Christmas Cheese Website (did I mention that these are not just cosmetic changes).

Brand Spanking! Previously unreleased Waltons track. Well it is Christmas.

New! Photos of that gig at the Ponda Rosa.

New! Photos of the Waltons playing at the launch of "Feet on the Street".

Revenge of the Lawn's song that was entered in the Platform 1/IWCP Live Wired competition is currently running in 30th position...errr...out of 30.
Vote for them now..or don't.

Photos of the infamous Waltons Christmas Eve Concert 1983

Cleo Laine. Is it allowed?

A new song by Revenge of the Lawn. Vote for them now in the Platform 1/IWCP Live Wired competition (or do the sensible thing and vote for somebody else).

I'm guessing nobody wants a job then...

A new place for you to complain. It looks just like the old place to complain but it is semi-automatic. This should speed up the time it takes for me to post messages and respond to them. I'm hoping for improvements in-line with standards set in the late '70s.

There is still a job going...no really there is..

No really! This is serious. There really is a day's work if you want it. Contact me through the usual channels.

Anybody want a day's work? You must be male and free on Friday 23rd November (possibly on the 30th). You only get paid £25 but on the bright side mostly what you have to do is lie down a lot. You will be made-up by a cine professional and may be required to spit blood and groan a good deal. You will receive a light lunch. If you are free and interested please contact me through the usual channels.

1 new track from OB Quiet [and a photo].


I've finally got hold of a copy of Alex Ogg's No More Hero's
(A Complete(sic) History of UK Punk 1976 - 1980).
It includes a page on Smeggy and the Cheesybits and 18 other Brighton Bands. Also a page on Waltons/Looney Tunes precursor Fatal Dose.
Buy it here


Here is a new picture of Cats Like Plain Crisps from 1986.


*New* from the depths of Martino's garden shed two songs which, I think I'm right in saying, constituted Cats Like Plain Crisps' first ever gig.


I met Tony Webb in Newport today. He said his name is now Marion Allsop and he often lurks around this site but has never posted here. I'm sure if we all make a labio-dental fricating noise he will emerge into the glade and dance with pony's........what the F**K am I talking about.


Eleven brand new tracks from Cats Like Plain Crisps, three of which are brand-new.


Two new live tracks from OB Quiet.


I went to the Grosvenor Rd reunion on Saturday, which was weird. Most of the people I only vaguely remembered (if at all) but there were a few that it was great to see again. Also great to finally meet Weed and Richard Sleep. Most surprising was how well (if old) everybody looked. I spent the entire evening explaining who I was and why I was there. When people found out they knew my brother they asked why he wasn't there and I had to give another equally convoluted explanation to explain this. After a while I got sick of this so I just started saying, "Because he's a cock", by way of explanation. Later it emerged that some people had heard, "Because he's a cop". Can I just state for the record that my brother is not, nor has he ever been a member of the constabulary. Anyway you can see some photo's of the event here.

Here are some random posters that Rob dug up.

Here are some random '80s photos that Rob dug up.

Suggs thinks Cheesybits is weird - it's official.
And I was standing next to a guy wearing a large foam head. If that isn't persecution I don't know what is! Anyway here are a pathetic 25 Sunday Bestival 2007 pics.

Hmmm..I took 748 photos on Friday and while a lot of them were rubbish, or just repetitive, they were mostly in focus. On Saturday I was not nearly as mashed and yet over 50% of the photos were out of focus. Here then are the Saturday Bestival 2007 pics.

Before you even left the party! Here are some (hundreds of) photos from Friday at the Bestival 2007.

Were you at this party? I wasn't! Does anybody have any pictures of parties I was at.

Three new live tracks from The Waltons

As the result of a discussion the long lost History (of the Waltons) page has been re-instated. If you would like to add to it (personnel reminiscences by members of the audience are welcome) post an empty email with your writing as an attached .txt file (write it using Notepad) to morewaltonsdrivel@cheesybits.com.

Two new tunes from The Four Marys.

Brand new even more confusing downloads page (with pictures).

Revealed! Revenge of the Lawn's
unsavoury recording technique (2.9 Meg mp4)

New! From Revenge of the Lawn
At the End of Old Ryde Pier (The Wee Willy Winky Mix).

Newsflash. Enormous woman found hiding in local tourist attraction.

New! Dodgy Dustbin Porn.

New! Coastal Erosion on the Isle of Wight Pt. 17.
3.3Meg MP4.

Three things in one day - this must be a record. New! Three songs from the legend that is O B Quiet.

Finally a tape of the original Annika recordings has emerged. Here for you, the six tracks that The Waltons recorded for the TV Drama Annika.

2 new live tracks from the Waltons. Recorded at the Prince Consort this brace includes the legendary lost masterpiece "Frieda"

See the results of Revenge of the Lawn's attempt to compete with professional athletes at the Cooper's Hill cheese chasing event.

Does anybody know what "occupational hazard lights" are? Or what about "Antibiopics"? If you do please tell the world

Three new tracks from the Octogenarian Septet Revenge of the Lawn.

Here are some pictures from the Bestival 2006.

12 new live tracks from the Waltons. Re-live those heady (if slightly dull) days at the consort.

For the thousands of you who have been unable to download The Four Marys mp3s there is good news. I have just regained control of my website so all the links work again. This temporary glitch was caused by the person that owned the server discovering that we had hi-jacked some webspace and blocking us out.

Tony has set up a Waltons myspace site. It's got some live recordings on it from the prince Consort and Zanies in 1983.

Revenge of the Lawn are still recording. There most recent offering a ska version of Truly Scrumptious from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Mista Mushroom are still desperately trying to split up.

I Heart Audrey are gigging regularly on The Island and on the North Island but I'm too old to go and watch gigs unless they are right on my door step, but hats off to Lottie for being in both of these bands and dealing with a burgeoning modelling career.

Wonder at Revenge of the Lawn's new international front page.

18 new mp3s to download from The Four Marys.

After several trials (and a couple of tribulations) and considerable legal wrangling The House of Cheese ™ is proud, nay overwhelmed, to present the latest video release from Revenge of the Lawn. Entitled "It's a Funny Old World" it is a disturbing polemic on modern architectural design in western civilisation.

This is a 25Meg mp4 file so is probably not for those with dial-up connections and you should check whether your current media player will handle mp4s (you may need an upgrade).

I would be interested to know whether it plays on a video iPod if anybody has one. A higher quality version should be available soon but this will be a big file. Please post your comments on the complaints page.

I could blah on about
The Bestival and also the Steve Smith gig in Atherfield (which was really good) but instead here is a thunderous racist diatribe from Revenge of the Lawn, the unacceptable face of regional bigotry.

Nothing much going on really. I'm just embarrassed that I haven't written anything on this page for so long.

Rob has dug out a load of new (old) photos of Waltons/Cats/Dustbins/Looney Tunes gigs that I will scan and post soon.

Rob and I are well on the way to completing our album. I'm looking forward to the Bestival. If you see me there identify yourself (I will be the big pissed bloke staggering around aimlessly).

Some really dodgy photos of Cats Like Plain Crisps taken by Martino.

I feel ill. I went to the Wedgewood rooms last night to see Mista Mushroom. here are some photos of the event. And hello to Carly who was so pissed she decided that she wanted to practice rock climbing on me.

Finally find out what Tony should do next!
And loads of other really interesting stuff as well!
Site statistics are now available here.This is very serious science!

I heard Mista Mushroom new album "Class "A"s on a School Night" right the way through last night and it's massive! They've done a really good job of making some thing that is innovative and, refreshingly, funny! A Mercury nominee for next year I think. If you are at the Bestival at the weekend you will get the opportunity to hear the band who are playing in the 24-Hour Cafe at 7.20 Sunday. Also Lotti says she is going to be marching around with a ghetto blaster playing the album and giving away free copies. If you are not as tight as a gnats chuff and want a copy you can book one by emailing mista_mushroom@hotmail.com.

Here's a new (old) track from Martino. See the letters page for the background.

There's been some kind of blockage with the emails coming down from the web site. I apologise for the delay to the hundreds of (three) people that have been leaving messages. It's all sorted out now (if I was being totally honest I would have to admit that it was all sorted out a couple of weeks ago but I've been a bit busy).

Using some scraps of wire, a pair of pliers, some considerable ingenuity and (shockingly) my Degree in Electronics, I have managed to get my 4 Track working. It turned out to be faulty at the first stage of amplification so I just soldered some wires directly onto the playback head and fed these into a pair of stereo amplifiers.
Unfortunately the resulting signal is very low and I've probably bypassed the Dolby unit so the sound isn't brilliant but then I'm not sure how good it would have been anyway (the tapes must have degenerated in the last 20 years).
Any way, the result of this all is that I now have access to loads of really bad music that I have not heard for over a decade. This includes some genuine surprises.
  • There are, of course, all the Waltons "Dead Above the Neck" sessions but also a few gems that never saw the light of day such as "Has Anybody got any Mandys", End of the Line" and "Rainy Rizla Morning".
  • There is at least one solo song from O.B. Quiet.
  • There are two separate sessions from Django Ratix including the sublime "Nuclear Heart Attack"
  • One track by the OFF (I don't remember doing that).
  • Some early Cats Like Plain Crisps stuff.
  • Loads of embarrassing solo stuff from DC Bits.
  • Some truly bizarre songs from DC Bits and Rob Martin (including "Pass the Grass Please Duchess (it's Next to the Shredded Wheat)", a must for every occasion).
Once I have re-mastered all this and obtained the relevant permissions it will hopefully be available for download. This is obviously going to be a fairly drawn out process so if there is anything you particularly want to hear register your interest by bitching.

As you probably know (what with you being down with the kids on the street, and all that), Mista Mushroom are in the process of recording an album at the moment. I had the pleasure of hearing some rough mixes last night and I have to say it was PHAT (I believe that's what young people say nowadays).
How they even manage to get 9 people in the same room without anybody getting stabbed is a mystery to me. If you haven't seen them yet...well make an effort for f**ks sake.

Chav on a stick!

I have finally found a picture of Cats Like Plain Crisps

Nothing! I'm too busy.

Does anybody have a copy of "The Easter Story" from the "Feet on the Street" launch gig (see bitching). If so can you get in contact through the complaints page.

I finally got to see Mr Mushroom last night (3.12.04) and thought they were brilliant! Every body go and see them or I'll come round to your house and read your electricity meter!

Download a minutes silence for John Peel here.

Mp3s to
download from:
The Waltons
Cats Like Plain Crisps
The Be-Bop Dustbins
Smeggy and the Cheesybits

Nobody has come up with a 4 Track yet
(see below)

Vote on what Tony does next!
(see complaints dept)


There are moves afoot to make all the House of Cheese Sound Archive ™ available as mp3s for download and this includes all of the Waltons recordings many of which most people haven't heard before. Part of the problem we have with this is that a lot of it was recorded on a 4-track cassette deck (now defunct) and we need to borrow one similar so that we can transfer this material onto digital media. Can anyone help?

Welcome to the new improved House of Cheese web site.

Well I say new improved but there is actually no guarantee that this is  true.

For example you've just had to download a picture of a piece of emmental, What's the point of that? Hardly an improvement is it? Unless you have a seriously disturbing relationship with dairy products. I can't believe people make a living doing this s**t. Filling up mainframes all around the world with inconsequential eye candy, its enough to make my blood boil………………….err……

However if anybody out their wants to pay me a six figure sum to build websites that are obviously a crucial part of any company's economic portfolio and essential for the future development and ongoing expansion of the business community you can email me through the contacts page.

As I was saying welcome to the new improved House of Cheese web site it's…….err…….great

What's New